I would like to announce the arrival of...

Patrick! He was born 27th October at 8.44pm. A very long labour but worth every bit of pain and every stitch!

He was 51cms long, head circumference of 37cm (ouch!) and 8.8lbs. We love our chubby bubby!


I was not prepared to to feel this much love. I knew I would love him, but the amount I feel is overwhelming. It is the most amazing feeling. I just look at him and start crying. Even the way he does a poo is perfect!

I'm Still Here.

Hello everyone.

Sorry it has been so long (yet again). I can't believe it is already October. Time seems to be flying.

I am now 36 weeks pregnant. I am starting to get very uncomfortable, often crying from pain, severe reflux, cramps, etc especially at night. When people ask me how I am feeling I usually tell them I am great. I feel like I have no right to complain. To be honest though, being in the third trimester is hard on your body, but what I went through to try and get pregnant is much harder. In comparison, pregnancy is the easy part.

I find I am getting very emotional lately. One minute I am laughing, the next minute I am crying. I am also keeping an eye on my old internet buddy group. I was in a Long Haul IVF buddy group. I get very emotional over the fact that some of the girls are still there. I think it is so cruel as these women would be amazing mothers. If I have a friend that complains because it took her a few months to get pregnant, or even just 2 clomid cycles, I can't help but feel angry because I know the women from my old buddy group are really suffering. I wish there was something I could do to help them. Hopefully if anyone from my old buddy group reads this, I hope I haven't upset you by writing this.

I am getting very big lately, but I don't really care. I realise I'll have some weight to lose after the baby is born but I am okay with that. I am now getting nervous about the birth. Not just the pain or the unknown, but I am anxious over the baby being born healthy and okay. I feel little Basil move around all the time and even when the kicks or squirms really hurt, I still really enjoy them (which may sound strange to some).

I am also having small panic attacks over things like whooping cough. I have heard some terrible stories lately, and I know some people in my life will think I am being over the top but I will not feel comfortable with just anyone picking up the baby for the first few weeks (maybe months!). I know certain people will have things to say about me behind my back, but as the midwife keeps saying, I have to do what is right for me and not worry about what others think.

I don't have a bump shot today. I will try and upload one in the next week.

I hope you are all well. xxx

Remember me?

Sorry it has been a while.

I have been busy working, thinking about the baby, going to appointments, etc.

I am almost 29 weeks now. I can feel Basil (that is what we have called the baby for now) all the time. I love it, although I do get anxious if I don't feel movement for a while. Basil has also been getting the hiccups.

I have starting buying bits and pieces, but still need to organise quite a bit. I still have 7 weeks left of work. I am so exhausted! I have low iron, don't sleep much and teach kinder! So I love trying to rest when I can.

I still keep worrying about Basil being safe, healthy etc. I don't think it will ever go away.

Here is most recent bump pic from about 28 weeks.

A bittersweet day

Two posts in two days. Wow. I'm doing well.

Today is my birthday. I am happy that for this birthday I have got the most special gift of all. My beautiful baby who is kicking around as I write.

Unfortunately, my birthday also marks the expected due date for my twins. They would be turning 1.

Today, I am filled with all sorts of emotions. One minute I'm happy, the next minute I'm crying. I suppose it doesn't help that my husband more or less forgot it was my birthday.

Time for a picture

I am now almost 22 weeks pregnant.

The baby has been moving quite a bit and even my husband has felt a kick. I am completely in love.

Here is a pic from when I was 14 weeks.

Here is a pic from when I was 21 weeks

My husband and I have started looking at and ordering a cot, pram, bassinet, etc. It still feels very surreal and although I am excited, I still get worried.

My OB is treating me high risk. She has called this pregnancy 'extra precious' and will be keeping a closer eye on me.

I have been so vague the last few months. I am so forgetful, have lost interest in house work. Even reading and TV shows don't seem as exciting. Life has been a blur.

Where does the time go?

Sorry about the big gap between posts lately! I feel like life has been busy!

Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has commented on my posts. You have all had such kind and wonderful things to say. It really means a lot to me.

Today, I had my morphology scan. It was incredible seeing the baby again. He/she is SO much bigger! He/she was kicking around, then crouching into a ball, then doing flips! He/she has been moving so much too. It's amazing feeling all of the kicks. How can I be so utterly in love with a little human I have never met?

My husband came to the scan. It was very special for us!

I'm starting to get a big belly now (I will post a picture soon)! I can't believe I'm pretty much half way through my pregnancy!

I'm still worried about things going wrong, but it is wonderful hearing good news today.

Thanks again, everyone, for supporting me through this journey so far. Let me tell you, I've needed it!

An update.

Sorry it's been so long. I've been so busy and distracted.

I had my first midwife appointment a couple of days ago (at 15 weeks) and we heard the baby's heart beat via the doppler for the first time. It was incredible and so precious.

I still worry but to be honest, I think it's normal mummy worry. Just because I worry doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the pregnancy. It just means I care about this baby and love them so much.

Somebody pinch me.

I just went for my '12 week' scan.

Baby measured spot on for dates (12w4d) and the technician said everything looks 'normal'.

I seriously don't know what to feel. A huge part of me felt relief. Now, I feel worried again as I feel like I have so much to lose now. The baby was kicking its legs, rolling around and had all of its organs in place. I love the baby so much and this feeling overwhelms me so much that at times I cry because of the love I feel for him/her.

It's funny, because I know some people can find out the sex at this scan but it didn't even occur to me to ask. I don't care if the baby is a boy or girl,  I just want them to be safe and healthy.

How do I describe this feeling?

I have just been for another ultrasound. I was supposed to measure 10 weeks and 1 day but I'm measuring 10 weeks and 3 days! The heart was beating strong, there was longer limbs, a more defined face (nose, chin, forehead etc) and the baby was moving around and using mummy's uterus as a slippery dip!

Of course I am still worried about everything that could go wrong, but seeing my baby there, moving around, well... the word 'happy' doesn't cut it. My husband was amazed. We both looked at the screen with adoring eyes.

I wish I could feel confident, but all I seem to do is worry about the what ifs. What if my cervix shortens early? Why happens if there isn't enough blood supply going to the placenta?

Thank you for all the support so far. I've really needed it and will continue to need it! It means a lot to me.

Holding on tight.

A lot has happened since I posted last.

4 days after my first ultrasound I found myself at the hospital as the bleeding increased. I had another ultrasound and was told that I had a hematoma (clot) in the uterus and that is what is causing the bleeding. I was told to have bed rest for a week as it can make chances of miscarriage higher.

Today (10 days after been about the clot) I had another ultrasound. The baby is measuring almost spot on for dates (8 weeks and 2 days - 1 day ahead) and a heart rate of 186. Of course I worried that the heart rate was too fast but Dr Google told me that there has been no evidence of increased risk with a high heart rate, and that around this point in the pregnancy, the heart rate peaks at its fastest and slowly starts to decline until it reaches its average. Of course, I still worry!

I am getting some whopper bruises from the clexane injections and hair growth on my face has increased big time from the steroids! In all honesty, I don't care. I would do anything for this baby.

And the spotting continues...

I am still getting brown discharge.

It worries me to no end. Every time I go to the toilet, it is there. Staring at me in the face.

How could I possibly think things would be different given my history?

Limbo Land

I just got back from my doctor's office. My hormone levels are where they should be.

I just have to keep breathing.

I. Hate. Blood.

I started getting light brown discharge last night when I wipe. This is how it started with my other miscarriages. I can't stop crying. I'm preparing for the worst.

I feel terrible as my sister in law, her husband and two kids (aged 2 and 4) were going to stay with us this weekend. I just sent her a text explaining my situation and that I don't feel like seeing anyone (not to mention extra housework, being around little kids, doing my injections, and having a lowered immune system from the steroids). If I am losing the baby, the last thing I feel like is entertaining. I'm in no state to be around anyone. I feel like a terrible sister in law, but I am usually an obliging person. This time, I have been told by a few people to be selfish and do what is right for me. So, I am.

I'm still in shock.

I had another restless night last night. I was so worried about disappearing symptoms, cramps, etc. I decided to take today off work as I could not function.

DH came home from work (a 50km drive) and took me to an ultrasound as I was a nutcase. Taking all these drugs, injections, etc and just not knowing if everything is okay after 5 miscarriages is just too much.

I cried. I cried my eyes out when I saw the screen. A heartbeat. A heartbeat of 120 beats per minute and measuring about 6 weeks and 1 day (about a day behind by my dates). I know I am far from being out of the 'danger' zone but it was such a big moment for my husband and me. We have never seen a heartbeat before. Even my husband was amazed and said it was worth him driving home for. I know I won't continue to stop worrying, that is just who I am (and have become) but I feel like I might at least relax for the next 2-3 hours.

Hanging by a thread.

I had 2 hours sleep last night. 2 hours! There are 2 reasons for this. The first one being that I worry about this pregnancy to no end. I scrutinize every twinge and every symptom. The second reason is because the steroids pump me up. I am a maniac. My poor husband!

I have continued to do pregnancy tests. I am sending myself insane (which the steroids are doing to me too). The line isn't getting any darker any more. Then I try and convince myself that pregnancy tests have to reach their maximum point of darkness. Then my rational side disappears and I am a nutcase all over again.

I have had a few cramps today which have freaked me out. I actually told my first 'in real life' friend today about this pregnancy. I know that she will be supportive if something goes wrong.

I wish I could be happy and excited but all I feel is fear and worry.

Here we go again. The word 'scared' is an understatement...

I am scared. I have been having panic attacks. I can't sleep at night. I am moody. I shake every now and then. I tell myself that I should not be happy because this never ends well. This is what I am talking about: (see pic below)'

I am about 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. A crazy story is behind it. I went to my new specialist about 11 days ago. He discussed new treatment, how I would have to come  back down for a nurses appointment (it is a 6 hour drive) and then I would commence IVF. I would have to take a steroid to help with the NK cells during an IVF cycle as well as inject clexane (blood thinner) and use progesterone pessaries. We decided to stay in Sydney for a few nights with family after the appointment. That night, after the appointment, I did not feel right. I realised that my period had not shown up. I did a pregnancy test and was shocked to see a super faint second line. I did not think much of it and decided to go to bed, thinking it was a false positive as it was so faint. I woke up and did another test. The second line was darker.

We got in the car and went back to the clinic. They tested my blood which confirmed I was pregnant. But early. I was also given all of my 'drugs'. He said it was a bit late to be taking them but better to start taking them from that point than not at all.

So I have been a mess. Analysing my symptoms (or lack of), obsessing over pregnancy test lines and convinced they are not getting darker. I am also worried as this was an 'accident' so to speak, so we did not have a chance to thicken the lining. I also thought I would torture myself some more and decided to buy the digital pregnancy test that predcits how pregnant you are. I did it today. It is saying I am between 4-5 weeks and I am actually over 5 weeks so of course, now I am almost convinced I am losing the baby.

I had blood drawn again last Thursday (6 days after the first blood test) and my hcg levels are rising okay at the moment but I am far from getting the all clear. I have another blood test this Thursday which I am so incredibly anxious about, as it is around the same time I have got confirmation with other pregnancies that I am infact miscarrying.

I just don't know how to stay sane. I have to remind myself that it is out of my control and I can't change anything. I am so scared about this Thursday. I remember the feeling too well. "I am so sorry, your levels show you are going to miscarry". Then I fall into a mess and can't stop crying for days.

If I know you in real life or on Facebook, please do not say anything. I am refraining from telling people as the chance of me losing this baby is very high. I know my blog is open to the world but so far no one I know has found my blog unless I have told them about it myself. I was considerating not writing anything on here but realised that defeats the purpose as I started my blog purely to help me release my inner thoughts so I would not go insane. Letting this out has given me some relief as I am feeling scared and lonely at the moment. My husband and mum have been amazing but my blog allows me to describe how I am truly feeling and not just put on a brave face.

When feeling sad... SHOP!

I went to the GP last week and was told I have Alopecia. This is what is causing me to lose my hair in spots. It could be linked to stress, hormone levels or an auto-immune issue. Or all of the above (because, come on, we are talking about me here!) I am currently on a steroid cream but my GP could not reassure me as he said I may get more bald spots and he can't be certain the hair will grow back.

In the meantime, I have bought lots of new things and even had a bit of pampering. I had a mani and pedi the day of my GP appointment to help cheer me up. I also bought new shoes. These are no ordinary shoes. These shoes are sexy! They have a personality of their own. Okay, maybe not, but they definitely make me feel like I am a celebrity when I wear them. Picture below.

Then mum did my hair in a way so you can't see my bald spot. I was sporting the messy, bed hair look - half up half down. It didn't look too bad and my hair actually goes to my belly button so it is very long. I love my mum! We then all went out for dinner, drinks and dancing. Gosh, it felt good! For the first time in awhile, I really just had a good night and was happy.

So you are probably wondering what else I have purchased? I also bought VERY expensive shampoo, conditioner and scalp therapy. It's *supposed* to thicken hair.

I also bought a Kobo wifi ereader. Yay! I love to read and have wanted an ereader for ages. I was going to get the Kindle or Sony, but the Kobo had an awesome sale on and I could not resist. It will take awhile to deliver (it is coming from the States) but here is a pic I found.

I, of course, got the purple (lilac) one.
I have also purchased a new iPhone cover, 3 new bras, two new tops and a new pair of eyeglasses! Naughty me! I must admit, it has cheered me up a bit. I also try to remind myself that I am lucky that I am in a position that I can purchase such things.

Well, it is time to go and watch episode 2, Season 5 of Big Love. I love this show! Nothing like a TV show about polygamists trying to live in civilisation and family feuds!

Thank you to everyone who gives me ongoing support through your comments on my blog. These comments always mean a lot to me and touch me deeply. It is so lovely that people out there care about my situation and it makes me feel lucky during the difficult circumstances I am dealt.

I'm even less of a woman than I was before...

Just a quick post from me tonight. It is 2am and I can't sleep as I am crying my eyes out like a baby (probably not the best way for someone like me to put it).

I noticed spikey bits of hair on the crown of my head. I looked in the mirror and there is a bald patch bigger than a 50 cent piece. It looks disgusting. I have been crying so much that I nearly vomited. As if I already don't feel like a failure as a woman, now I get to go bald.

I am so scared that I will go bald all over and my husband will refuse to be with me. Why would he stay with me? I won't look like a woman and my body doesn't act like a woman's.

I've tried covering the bald spot with my hair but the bald spot shines on through. I look like an old guy with a bad comb-over.

I wish I could stop crying, forget about it, and go to sleep, but I can't. I don't want to face the world. I feel so unattractive. The thing is, my hair is (was) one of my best features.

My wonder dog

I was reading over some of my old posts and realised I said I would post a picture of my dog, Milly. Well here she is! The photo in the middle is when she was a young puppy.

The amount of times that Milly has cheered me up after a rough day/week/year is incredible. She always makes me smile and seems to sense when I am sad, showing me even more affection than usual (which is still quite a lot on a 'normal' day). She is so loyal and always feels the need to protect me. I am so lucky to have my husband and Milly in my life.

Sorry I haven't posted much. Christmas and the new year have been busy. I am also still getting my head around the Natural Killer Cells. Hopefully, I will be able to write a 'proper' post soon.