Here we go again. The word 'scared' is an understatement...

I am scared. I have been having panic attacks. I can't sleep at night. I am moody. I shake every now and then. I tell myself that I should not be happy because this never ends well. This is what I am talking about: (see pic below)'

I am about 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. A crazy story is behind it. I went to my new specialist about 11 days ago. He discussed new treatment, how I would have to come  back down for a nurses appointment (it is a 6 hour drive) and then I would commence IVF. I would have to take a steroid to help with the NK cells during an IVF cycle as well as inject clexane (blood thinner) and use progesterone pessaries. We decided to stay in Sydney for a few nights with family after the appointment. That night, after the appointment, I did not feel right. I realised that my period had not shown up. I did a pregnancy test and was shocked to see a super faint second line. I did not think much of it and decided to go to bed, thinking it was a false positive as it was so faint. I woke up and did another test. The second line was darker.

We got in the car and went back to the clinic. They tested my blood which confirmed I was pregnant. But early. I was also given all of my 'drugs'. He said it was a bit late to be taking them but better to start taking them from that point than not at all.

So I have been a mess. Analysing my symptoms (or lack of), obsessing over pregnancy test lines and convinced they are not getting darker. I am also worried as this was an 'accident' so to speak, so we did not have a chance to thicken the lining. I also thought I would torture myself some more and decided to buy the digital pregnancy test that predcits how pregnant you are. I did it today. It is saying I am between 4-5 weeks and I am actually over 5 weeks so of course, now I am almost convinced I am losing the baby.

I had blood drawn again last Thursday (6 days after the first blood test) and my hcg levels are rising okay at the moment but I am far from getting the all clear. I have another blood test this Thursday which I am so incredibly anxious about, as it is around the same time I have got confirmation with other pregnancies that I am infact miscarrying.

I just don't know how to stay sane. I have to remind myself that it is out of my control and I can't change anything. I am so scared about this Thursday. I remember the feeling too well. "I am so sorry, your levels show you are going to miscarry". Then I fall into a mess and can't stop crying for days.

If I know you in real life or on Facebook, please do not say anything. I am refraining from telling people as the chance of me losing this baby is very high. I know my blog is open to the world but so far no one I know has found my blog unless I have told them about it myself. I was considerating not writing anything on here but realised that defeats the purpose as I started my blog purely to help me release my inner thoughts so I would not go insane. Letting this out has given me some relief as I am feeling scared and lonely at the moment. My husband and mum have been amazing but my blog allows me to describe how I am truly feeling and not just put on a brave face.