I'm back!
My husband and I left for Sydney at about 7.30am on Tuesday 23rd November. I had to get a blood test done first to test for pregnancy. If I was pregnant, they would have cancelled my biopsy. My husband and I thought "stuff it" and rather than waiting for results, we thought we'd go to Sydney straight after the test so we could get there at a reasonable hour. I knew I wouldn't be pregnant anyway.
We arrived in Sydney at about 1pm and checked in to our 5 star hotel! Nothing like living it up to take your mind off an upcoming procedure.
That night, my brother came over and stayed as we were upgraded to a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom deluxe suite. Nice! We went out to dinner to an amazing place called Sailors Thai. It is located at The Rocks/Circular Quay. To use to word 'delicious' is still an insult to the food. It was incredible. It was not your normal run of the mill Thai. It was very different to any Thai food I have had (and I have had my fair share!). We also walked along the King St Wharf and a certain band caught my eye. The band were doing amazing covers of James Blunt songs. Hang on. It took me about a minute to realise. It was James Blunt! He was over for the TV show 'X Factor' and he was playing at a pub that wasn't overly busy so it was very surreal.
The next day, I went for my appointment. I was right. Not pregnant. Okay, now for the scary stuff. A few people had told me that an endometrial biopsy was not that bad so I was not as scared as I first was. I had been through many procedures before and was okay with them (well, as okay as you can be). The nurses were gorgeous. My doctor who did the procedure was lovely also.
First, my doctor inserted a speculum. Then she inserted a catheter. The catheter got stuck in my cervix and had to be pushed through so I was in agonising pain. Once that was through, I thought that would be the worst (I was teary by that stage). When she performed the biopsy part, it really really hurt. I did not think it would be that awful! It took her about 1 minute to get the sample. Oh how that minute when so slow! Then, my vision started going blurry as I couldn't handle the pain. The next thing... black! I passed out! Not for very long. My blood pressure dropped significantly, then I had to be monitored until they thought I was okay to leave! Trust me to have a different experience to others! I find 'straight forward' things always go crazy with me. You only need to refer to my blog to know that!
I was cramping quite a lot after the procedure and had to take some pain killers. They didn't do much! After the cramping settled down, my husband took me on the ferry to a German pub where we had an awesome lunch. We went out for another fancy dinner that night. I was being super spoilt! My husband also felt bad for me and came back from the shops with a Hugo Boss carry on bag, perfume and moisturiser! Lucky me!
The results won't be ready for 2 weeks, yet I won't find out until next year as they will not discuss results over the phone! So another 11 hour round trip for me soon. Argh. I might beg and ask if they'd consider giving me a phone consult. They are not taking any appointments now and I can't make the appointment until next year anyway! One of the downsides with saying goodbye to the private clinic and moving over to the public. They have been great in many ways but the wait is painful.
Anyway, so now I am seeing a local fertility specialist in 2 weeks. I don't have any real faith in him as he let me down last time. I am going in to see if I can try a few things now while I wait for my next appointment. This might be unethical to some but as some lovely ladies from my online fertility buddy group pointed out, do I really want to look back in 5 years and regret not trying everything?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
Get ready for the ouch!
This Wednesday (24th November) I will be getting an endometrial biopsy in Sydney at RPA. Am I scared? Hell yes! I will not be given any pain relief or put under sedation. I will be wide awake. I have no idea what to expect. My blood tests have stopped for now. Phew! I will need to get another one on Tuesday, though.
We will be driving to Sydney (as I have mentioned, it is about 5.5 hours by car or 7 hours by bus). My husband and I are trying to see it as time away (even though I am anxious) so we have booked into a 5 star hotel. Our bank balance can't really afford it after the out of pocket expenses of IVF but I think we deserve to give this to ourselves.
I am not sure how long it takes to test the sample from the biopsy. They are looking for NK Killer cells (cells that attack anything foreign and if there are an excess of cells, they can attack a growing fetus). I don't think I have these cells but I suppose it is good to rule it out. I still believe I am miscarrying due to my thin lining. I was, however, considering doing PGD IVF for my next cycle. This is when they test the embryos at a certain stage (obviously before transferring one back) for several genetic disorders.
Not much else to report. I am starting to feel better after my dark period last week. I still feel thick waves of sadness but I am trying to deal with it more constructively. Thank you to those people who offered support and kind words.
We will be driving to Sydney (as I have mentioned, it is about 5.5 hours by car or 7 hours by bus). My husband and I are trying to see it as time away (even though I am anxious) so we have booked into a 5 star hotel. Our bank balance can't really afford it after the out of pocket expenses of IVF but I think we deserve to give this to ourselves.
I am not sure how long it takes to test the sample from the biopsy. They are looking for NK Killer cells (cells that attack anything foreign and if there are an excess of cells, they can attack a growing fetus). I don't think I have these cells but I suppose it is good to rule it out. I still believe I am miscarrying due to my thin lining. I was, however, considering doing PGD IVF for my next cycle. This is when they test the embryos at a certain stage (obviously before transferring one back) for several genetic disorders.
Not much else to report. I am starting to feel better after my dark period last week. I still feel thick waves of sadness but I am trying to deal with it more constructively. Thank you to those people who offered support and kind words.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Zombies are real.
My husband called me a zombie today and I must say, it hurt my feelings.
He wanted to go and watch a movie together at the cinema. The old me would have loved to but I hate going out of the house if I do not need to on the weekends. He doesn't understand me not wanting to go because really, in his mind, I am doing the same thing at home. Watching TV shows. To me, watching TV shows while in bed is escaping reality alone. With others around, being a part of my 'escape world', it reminds me it is all pretend.
My husband is also concerned because I do not get out of my PJ's until 2pm or so on weekends if we are not leaving the house. Now all I feel is like a lazy, unsociable slob. I feel guilt, too. Guilt because I am not the same as when he first married me. I am the broken version. All I want to do is stay in bed, watch TV and escape my reality. I can feel depression creeping up. I know I should see a counsellor but I do not want to. I seriously have no idea what I want except that I just want to watch another episode of One Tree Hill. Nathan and Hayley are getting back together so all is right in my 'escape world'.
I can see why my husband is slightly insulting me. He is worried for me and our relationship. I know we aren't born as mind readers but I wish today he could read my mind. I wish he could see me struggling with the depth of our fertility problems. With the loss of our babies. With being childless and feeling like an old barren hag. I wish he could join the dots and realise that deep down I do not want to be a 'zombie' but my TV obsession helps kill the overwhelming pain I feel. Going out and facing the world is a reminder of my failure to be a mother. Failing to look after my unborn babies. Failing to be a woman. I wish he could just give me a hug and tell me that I'm doing well to hang on after all of these encounters. Tell me that even though I am hidden from the world, I still have strength.
I love my husband with all of my heart and I know he loves me. I just wish he could be inside my body for an hour and see that my coping mechanisms are far better than other available options out there.
He wanted to go and watch a movie together at the cinema. The old me would have loved to but I hate going out of the house if I do not need to on the weekends. He doesn't understand me not wanting to go because really, in his mind, I am doing the same thing at home. Watching TV shows. To me, watching TV shows while in bed is escaping reality alone. With others around, being a part of my 'escape world', it reminds me it is all pretend.
My husband is also concerned because I do not get out of my PJ's until 2pm or so on weekends if we are not leaving the house. Now all I feel is like a lazy, unsociable slob. I feel guilt, too. Guilt because I am not the same as when he first married me. I am the broken version. All I want to do is stay in bed, watch TV and escape my reality. I can feel depression creeping up. I know I should see a counsellor but I do not want to. I seriously have no idea what I want except that I just want to watch another episode of One Tree Hill. Nathan and Hayley are getting back together so all is right in my 'escape world'.
I can see why my husband is slightly insulting me. He is worried for me and our relationship. I know we aren't born as mind readers but I wish today he could read my mind. I wish he could see me struggling with the depth of our fertility problems. With the loss of our babies. With being childless and feeling like an old barren hag. I wish he could join the dots and realise that deep down I do not want to be a 'zombie' but my TV obsession helps kill the overwhelming pain I feel. Going out and facing the world is a reminder of my failure to be a mother. Failing to look after my unborn babies. Failing to be a woman. I wish he could just give me a hug and tell me that I'm doing well to hang on after all of these encounters. Tell me that even though I am hidden from the world, I still have strength.
I love my husband with all of my heart and I know he loves me. I just wish he could be inside my body for an hour and see that my coping mechanisms are far better than other available options out there.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Got blood?
My blood tests have started. My first one required 14 tubes of blood. The lady was wiggling the needle by the end as my blood flow was slowing down. I am already sick of them! I have to be there by 7am and I am thrown because my husband either starts work at 5am or gets home at 4.30am after a night shift so I am lacking in the sleep department. It looks like my endometrial biopsy will be towards the end of the month (in Sydney).
Lately I have been feeling really down. Almost ready to give up. Travelling back and forth to Sydney (which is about 5.5 hours or more away) is doing my head in. I don't have any energy anymore. I am starting to doubt myself and think that if my failure of a body has not given me a baby by now then it probably never will. I have tried to be strong the last few years but my strength is wearing thin.
I have Dexter, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters and One Tree Hill to watch tonight so hopefully that will distract me for a while. I can't even go to a supermarket these days without having a mini anxiety attack because my angels aren't here with me and yet, I am surrounded by so many women and their gorgeous bumps and babies. It's depressing to say the least.
Lately I have been feeling really down. Almost ready to give up. Travelling back and forth to Sydney (which is about 5.5 hours or more away) is doing my head in. I don't have any energy anymore. I am starting to doubt myself and think that if my failure of a body has not given me a baby by now then it probably never will. I have tried to be strong the last few years but my strength is wearing thin.
I have Dexter, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters and One Tree Hill to watch tonight so hopefully that will distract me for a while. I can't even go to a supermarket these days without having a mini anxiety attack because my angels aren't here with me and yet, I am surrounded by so many women and their gorgeous bumps and babies. It's depressing to say the least.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
I heart my home.
Here are some before and after pictures of my home. Keep in mind my house is not overly big, it is very old (about 95 years) but I just love it!
Here are some pictures of BEFORE. They are of the lounge room, back living area, kitchen, guest bedroom and a door/hallway.
Here are some AFTER pictures.
All the slate was ripped up in our back room and replaced with floorboards. I'm a floorboard kinda gal.
Our built ins that we added.
This is our kitchen. We have not renovated it yet. I just changed the colour, changed the handles, painted the overhanging cupboards are brighter white and added blinds and took down the curtains. We have (since this photo) added a nicer hanging light like the ones in the rest of the house (a chrome one).
Excuse the vacuum cleaner. Can you see Milly at the doorway?
When we renovate our kitchen, we are looking at something like this.
OR
Obviously the lay out in our kitchen is different but I love these cupboards, drawers, handles, bench tops, etc.
So there you have it. I know it's not perfect, but we are slowly getting there. I find when you do bits and pieces at a time, you really appreciate your house and don't take all the changes for granted. I love that our house is constantly changing and reflecting our (well, my) taste. I feel like our home tells a story, both past and present.
Here are some pictures of BEFORE. They are of the lounge room, back living area, kitchen, guest bedroom and a door/hallway.
Here are some AFTER pictures.
When we renovate our kitchen, we are looking at something like this.
OR
Obviously the lay out in our kitchen is different but I love these cupboards, drawers, handles, bench tops, etc.
So there you have it. I know it's not perfect, but we are slowly getting there. I find when you do bits and pieces at a time, you really appreciate your house and don't take all the changes for granted. I love that our house is constantly changing and reflecting our (well, my) taste. I feel like our home tells a story, both past and present.
It's not often you can relate to a celebrity...
I stumbled across some sad news this morning. Lily Allen has had her 2nd loss of a baby and this time it was at about 6 months. How devastating for her :-( As strange as this might sound, it is somehow comforting being able to relate to a celebrity when their lives seem to be so perfect so much of the time. When I read the story this morning, my heart really broke for her. Nothing in the world can take away the pain and suffering she or many other women endure (like myself) after such a sad encounter.
I might say a little prayer for her 2 angels, my 6 angels and all the other angels out there.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/8116783/singer-lily-allen-loses-baby
I might say a little prayer for her 2 angels, my 6 angels and all the other angels out there.
http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/8116783/singer-lily-allen-loses-baby
Monday, November 1, 2010
Finally, November is here!
Not that I am usually one to wish the time away, but I am happy sad October is over. All over Red Rover. I lost my twins last year in October and 1 of my angels was due in October 2008 and another angel was due in October 2009. So, as you can see, October is a horrible, horrible month. I also dislike my birthday now because the twins were due on this day. Hopefully one day, these sad dates that are so clear in my mind will become foggy.
Today my blood test referrals showed up in the mail, ready for my endometrial biopsy (where they take some of my lining while I am awake - ouch!) It looks like I will have to have a blood test every day for about 20 days. WHAT?! Yep, 20 days. *Sigh* You think I would be used to being a pin cushion by now but I think you never truly do. I have had so much blood taken from me, I feel like a vampire's (preferably Eric, Damon, Stefan on Emmett's) play toy. My fertility specialist can not tell me when my biopsy is yet as it all depends on the days of my cycle and what my hormones are doing. They need to do the biopsy about 2 days before my period begins.
A few days ago (pretty much on angel # 1's birthday) I got my period. My husband and I tried falling pregnant naturally this cycle. Just hoping that something magical might happen in the world and I might fall pregnant and not miscarry. So, when my period showed up I was devastated that the universe was not listening and so against me. I had a massive meltdown and then had to babysit my 2 nephews (aged 18 months and 4 years) that day. They stayed for 3 days. Kind of bad timing but I sucked it up and did my aunt duties. They are gorgeous boys and I love them them to bits. I am a bit of a clean freak so I was finding it a bit stressful when they were going crazy in the house, fingers on everything, my lovely suede lounge now stained with milk, banana and dirt, finger prints all over my glass french doors, poo explosions, wetting the bed, etc! Eeeeek! It's funny (and depressing) though. I went into mummy mode. I thought I'd be hopeless but I knew what to do. I haven't spent lots of time with them (they are my husband's sister's kids) but they really warmed to me. The 18 month old clinged to me and even called me mum. Gorgeous but a kick in the teeth. Apparently my body has no idea how to be a mum. After my 3 days with the boys, I really do have a new found respect for mothers. It really is a full time gig (they are not lying) but I can also see why it would be the most rewarding job in the world. Even though things can get hectic, having your own child to love would be the most awesome experience I can think of. Some days, I completely hate the world for robbing me of that. Especially when there are people out there who seem to care very little about their children. It's not fair, I tell you!
Although it doesn't take the pain away, I have started watching (a lot of) television. Mostly following TV series. I never really watched TV much and now I am hooked. It lets me escape my reality at times and enjoy something different. I have a friend (who happens to follow me on this blog - not mentioning names though!) who likes many of the same shows, so we often text late at night, swapping notes, drooling over gorgeous vampires and plotting what will happen next. Thank God she gets my love for TV. She is often my saviour and when I have been feeling glum and then get a text to discuss the latest Vampire Diaries episode, it cheers me right up.
I think if I didn't have my vices, I would be locked in a padded room. Infertility, miscarriages and IVF is enough to make any normal person insane. Throw in the procedures, tests, me driving 6 hours each way for an appointment constantly, my hospital stays, etc and I really don't know how I turn up to work some days! I was normal. Once upon a time, I was an easy going woman who was most certainly not bitter. I'd like to know where my old self is, and if anyone sees her, can you tell her I want the old me back. I don't enjoy getting upset when friends fall pregnant after the first month or when they tell me they saw the heartbeat at an ultrasound appointment. I don't want to start crying at the supermarket because I see a little girl who would be the same age as my first angel. I don't want to scream, kick and yell in the car with the music on loudly because my friend has announced her second pregnancy and I was pregnant with my first angel a LONG time before she was pregnant with her first baby. I want to feel like me again. Luckily, I am reasonably good at sucking it up in public and smiling, being happy, etc. The thing is, I truly am happy for my friends when I find out they are pregnant, but I feel so saddened that I can still not join them on the same journey and it makes me so mad I am left behind. All because of my stupid body.
About a year after my first miscarriage and about 3-5 months after my 2nd and 3rd miscarriage, my husband and I started getting our house renovated. Another activity that helps take your mind off things. Perhaps in my next post I will post some before and after pictures. We are also now thinking about extending our home and making it much bigger. Our home is about 90 years old and I love it. Yes, some parts are worn down and very old, but I think she (the house is female) is a real beauty. It is not overly big, but it is not small either. I will dig up some pictures ready for my next post. I will also tell you a little bit about my wonder dog, Milly. The best dog in the whole world. I suppose I better find some pictures of her, too.
Thanks for listening. I really needed to get out some of my sadness that surrounds me in the month of October. Hopefully, I can try and move forward a little this month.
Manda xxx
Today my blood test referrals showed up in the mail, ready for my endometrial biopsy (where they take some of my lining while I am awake - ouch!) It looks like I will have to have a blood test every day for about 20 days. WHAT?! Yep, 20 days. *Sigh* You think I would be used to being a pin cushion by now but I think you never truly do. I have had so much blood taken from me, I feel like a vampire's (preferably Eric, Damon, Stefan on Emmett's) play toy. My fertility specialist can not tell me when my biopsy is yet as it all depends on the days of my cycle and what my hormones are doing. They need to do the biopsy about 2 days before my period begins.
A few days ago (pretty much on angel # 1's birthday) I got my period. My husband and I tried falling pregnant naturally this cycle. Just hoping that something magical might happen in the world and I might fall pregnant and not miscarry. So, when my period showed up I was devastated that the universe was not listening and so against me. I had a massive meltdown and then had to babysit my 2 nephews (aged 18 months and 4 years) that day. They stayed for 3 days. Kind of bad timing but I sucked it up and did my aunt duties. They are gorgeous boys and I love them them to bits. I am a bit of a clean freak so I was finding it a bit stressful when they were going crazy in the house, fingers on everything, my lovely suede lounge now stained with milk, banana and dirt, finger prints all over my glass french doors, poo explosions, wetting the bed, etc! Eeeeek! It's funny (and depressing) though. I went into mummy mode. I thought I'd be hopeless but I knew what to do. I haven't spent lots of time with them (they are my husband's sister's kids) but they really warmed to me. The 18 month old clinged to me and even called me mum. Gorgeous but a kick in the teeth. Apparently my body has no idea how to be a mum. After my 3 days with the boys, I really do have a new found respect for mothers. It really is a full time gig (they are not lying) but I can also see why it would be the most rewarding job in the world. Even though things can get hectic, having your own child to love would be the most awesome experience I can think of. Some days, I completely hate the world for robbing me of that. Especially when there are people out there who seem to care very little about their children. It's not fair, I tell you!
Although it doesn't take the pain away, I have started watching (a lot of) television. Mostly following TV series. I never really watched TV much and now I am hooked. It lets me escape my reality at times and enjoy something different. I have a friend (who happens to follow me on this blog - not mentioning names though!) who likes many of the same shows, so we often text late at night, swapping notes, drooling over gorgeous vampires and plotting what will happen next. Thank God she gets my love for TV. She is often my saviour and when I have been feeling glum and then get a text to discuss the latest Vampire Diaries episode, it cheers me right up.
I think if I didn't have my vices, I would be locked in a padded room. Infertility, miscarriages and IVF is enough to make any normal person insane. Throw in the procedures, tests, me driving 6 hours each way for an appointment constantly, my hospital stays, etc and I really don't know how I turn up to work some days! I was normal. Once upon a time, I was an easy going woman who was most certainly not bitter. I'd like to know where my old self is, and if anyone sees her, can you tell her I want the old me back. I don't enjoy getting upset when friends fall pregnant after the first month or when they tell me they saw the heartbeat at an ultrasound appointment. I don't want to start crying at the supermarket because I see a little girl who would be the same age as my first angel. I don't want to scream, kick and yell in the car with the music on loudly because my friend has announced her second pregnancy and I was pregnant with my first angel a LONG time before she was pregnant with her first baby. I want to feel like me again. Luckily, I am reasonably good at sucking it up in public and smiling, being happy, etc. The thing is, I truly am happy for my friends when I find out they are pregnant, but I feel so saddened that I can still not join them on the same journey and it makes me so mad I am left behind. All because of my stupid body.
About a year after my first miscarriage and about 3-5 months after my 2nd and 3rd miscarriage, my husband and I started getting our house renovated. Another activity that helps take your mind off things. Perhaps in my next post I will post some before and after pictures. We are also now thinking about extending our home and making it much bigger. Our home is about 90 years old and I love it. Yes, some parts are worn down and very old, but I think she (the house is female) is a real beauty. It is not overly big, but it is not small either. I will dig up some pictures ready for my next post. I will also tell you a little bit about my wonder dog, Milly. The best dog in the whole world. I suppose I better find some pictures of her, too.
Thanks for listening. I really needed to get out some of my sadness that surrounds me in the month of October. Hopefully, I can try and move forward a little this month.
Manda xxx
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