My biopsy results are back. I begged the nurse to tell me the results over the phone. She was very lovely and said she'd get a doctor to ring back as the results are difficult to interpret.
I found out I have elevated Natural Killer (NK) Cells. I really thought I would not have them and that thin lining was my only issue. So I was shocked to hear the news. Basically, these cells are normal and fight off nasty things, etc. In my case, because I have an elevated amount in my uterus, there is a possibility that these cells are attacking my babies, which in return, makes me miscarry.
To treat this you are put on a type of steroid. Stupid me went to Dr Google and now I am scared senseless. Not only will I look like a hairy, big bellied, acne faced lady (or should I say man), but there is a chance this medication can harm a baby, causing a high cleft palete, along with other issues. The latter is my main concern. I think I've already proven I would do anything to have a baby.
On top of that, the steroid may not fix the problem and things may not get better. I have to ensure I am prepared for that. You think I'd be used to disappointment but it is something that I never seem to get the hang of.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Saturday, December 4, 2010
In the middle of the night...
My husband woke up last night at about 2am to find me crying. He is not supposed to see or hear me that way. I usually cry myself to sleep late in the night (early in the morning) most nights. He was horrified. When I told him to go back to sleep, that I am fine and that I do this most nights, he didn't say anything. He just hugged me. Then he told me he was sorry. I said that he doesn't need to be sorry. Then, I think for the first time ever, he said to me "they were my babies too and I am sorry this is happening." He usually associates the babies with me. This was the first time that he 'owned' the babies, too.
I cry most nights for lots of reasons. To say it in a raw manner without using 'prettier' words, I cry first and foremost because my 6 babies are dead. I will never get to see them smile for the first time. I will never get to hold them, read them a story, watch them take their first steps. Watch them with love while they play with the man who is their daddy. I will never get to give them their first Christmas or birthday present. I can't take them to their first day of school and get teary as I leave them there. My husband tries to tell me that we will have our own baby one day. That we will get to do all of those things. I suppose constant disappointment takes that hope away from me. For starters, maybe my body will continue to fail. Maybe I will never have a child. I can't imagine myself with a big, round belly like I used to once think. That thought has faded and it seems to be out of reach in my mind. Also, it is not just about future babies. It is about the babies we did have. The babies that were suppose to be ours. Now. Living.
My sister in law sent me a picture message of her boys by the Christmas tree. I know there is no harm in doing this for a 'normal' person who does not hate themselves or feel like a failure, but it was the worst thing to see this morning. I am reminded that my first baby angel, who would be over 2 years of age now, will not join us at Christmas. My 2nd and 3rd angels would have been 14 and 12 months. My twins just 6 months old. Instead, I have yet again, another Christmas, childless. My sister in law's children will be there at Christmas, one of them was born around the time my angel was due. My husband's cousin's children will be there at Christmas also. They had a daughter this year on the EXACT same day as my EDD (expected due date) for my twins. Which also happens to be my birthday. So she is only 6 months old. Christmas will be difficult. Most people who have never endured fertility problems just assume you should suck it up and get on with it. Easy for them to say when they have their own children to hug every night. I still remember when my sister in law was told not to try for a baby for 2 months (and she already had 1 child) and she was complaining about the long wait. She fell pregnant as soon as the 2 months was up. So if 2 months can feel like forever for some, several years and many losses feels like an eternity.
This is always a difficult time of year. Not only emotionally, but this year we are noticing the lack of money. Failed IVF cycles not only leaves you with a hole in your heart, but also in your pocket. We were with a private clinic which apparently, is the most expensive in my state. The price difference going through the public system is huge, but you notice the difference with waiting times and things being followed up.
Every night that I cry, I feel so awful. Not only because of my own problems, but because I am crying in a comfortable bed and although we have debt from IVF, our mortgage, etc, we will get there in the end and eventually pay it off and yet, there are people in this world with problems far worse than my own. I feel terrible that I am being so deeply absorbed with my own issues and that I have never felt darker in my life. I should try and be thankful for what I do have. There is so much to be thankful for. It's just difficult when you don't have a tiny human in your life to remind you about all the good things in this world.
I cry most nights for lots of reasons. To say it in a raw manner without using 'prettier' words, I cry first and foremost because my 6 babies are dead. I will never get to see them smile for the first time. I will never get to hold them, read them a story, watch them take their first steps. Watch them with love while they play with the man who is their daddy. I will never get to give them their first Christmas or birthday present. I can't take them to their first day of school and get teary as I leave them there. My husband tries to tell me that we will have our own baby one day. That we will get to do all of those things. I suppose constant disappointment takes that hope away from me. For starters, maybe my body will continue to fail. Maybe I will never have a child. I can't imagine myself with a big, round belly like I used to once think. That thought has faded and it seems to be out of reach in my mind. Also, it is not just about future babies. It is about the babies we did have. The babies that were suppose to be ours. Now. Living.
My sister in law sent me a picture message of her boys by the Christmas tree. I know there is no harm in doing this for a 'normal' person who does not hate themselves or feel like a failure, but it was the worst thing to see this morning. I am reminded that my first baby angel, who would be over 2 years of age now, will not join us at Christmas. My 2nd and 3rd angels would have been 14 and 12 months. My twins just 6 months old. Instead, I have yet again, another Christmas, childless. My sister in law's children will be there at Christmas, one of them was born around the time my angel was due. My husband's cousin's children will be there at Christmas also. They had a daughter this year on the EXACT same day as my EDD (expected due date) for my twins. Which also happens to be my birthday. So she is only 6 months old. Christmas will be difficult. Most people who have never endured fertility problems just assume you should suck it up and get on with it. Easy for them to say when they have their own children to hug every night. I still remember when my sister in law was told not to try for a baby for 2 months (and she already had 1 child) and she was complaining about the long wait. She fell pregnant as soon as the 2 months was up. So if 2 months can feel like forever for some, several years and many losses feels like an eternity.
This is always a difficult time of year. Not only emotionally, but this year we are noticing the lack of money. Failed IVF cycles not only leaves you with a hole in your heart, but also in your pocket. We were with a private clinic which apparently, is the most expensive in my state. The price difference going through the public system is huge, but you notice the difference with waiting times and things being followed up.
Every night that I cry, I feel so awful. Not only because of my own problems, but because I am crying in a comfortable bed and although we have debt from IVF, our mortgage, etc, we will get there in the end and eventually pay it off and yet, there are people in this world with problems far worse than my own. I feel terrible that I am being so deeply absorbed with my own issues and that I have never felt darker in my life. I should try and be thankful for what I do have. There is so much to be thankful for. It's just difficult when you don't have a tiny human in your life to remind you about all the good things in this world.
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