Gosh, I love to talk... (Post # 4)

Before I get started (again! - it won't be long and I will be up to date with my journey - promise!) here are some links to information that I find helpful. They relate to hcg levels, thin lining and recurrent miscarriage.

http://www.pregnancy-calendars.net/hcg.aspx - This will give you a little more information on hcg levels (thought some people might be interested since I discussed the hcg hormone last post).

http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/17/5/1249.full - Some research with certain things to improve endometrium the thickness of endometrium lining.

http://www.liebertonline.com/doi/abs/10.1089/jwh.2006.15.442 - This article is about viagra improving lining (it is supposed to send more blood to the uterus).

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/twoormoremiscarriages/p/recurmisccauses.htm - This article touches on recurrent miscarriages and the different causes there are.

Two of these links were found through some lovely women on an online forum I use. An online forum can be a fantastic and great way to share knowledge with each other. Hoping that in the end, we all get our very much wanted baby.


April 2010

I started the contraceptive pill about mid April. I was told to take it for 3 weeks. Just as my 3 weeks was close to being up, I had to start an injection (in my stomach) called Lucrin. Lucrin stops your hormones from working more or less so that the fertility specialist can control my cycle to the best of his abililty. Lucrin is VERY expensive. For a 10ml bottle (tiny) is was about $305. Once I stopped the pill (but continued to inject Lucrin) I had to wait for a 'bleed'. Once that happened, I went and had a blood test. This was to check to make sure my hormones were exactly where they should be before I start the FSH injections. Everything came back great, so I started my 2nd injection. I decided to do both in the morning so I could relax at night. The Lucrin needle was a little tricky at times. I had to draw the correct amount up into the syringe. With the Puregon (FSH) it was in a pen look-a-like device. I just had to screw a new needle on every time, dial up the amount to be given (as the canular was sitting in the 'pen' and just inject, and push down on the end until it stops). The needle on the puregon pen is so super fine you can't feel it. It is most definitely my favourite needle to give! (Okay, now I sound like a needle lover!)

I got an ultrasound and was told that I am ready to have my eggs picked up (EPU) and to take my trigger shot at midnight. A trigger shot is actually synthetic hcg. It ripens the follicles/eggs and gets them ready for EPU/ovulation. They like to do EPU pretty much 35-36 hours after the trigger injection. So my EPU was at noon, a day and a half after the trigger.

My husband and I drove down to the city. This took 5.5 hours. I was getting anxious and feeling uncomfortable due to being stimulated and having so many follicles. Most women only produce one egg/one mature follicle in a natural cycle where as I had about 20 mature follicles.

We checked in to the the hotel which was close to the clinic. I was starting to have a mini freak out. So, my lovely husband decided to take me to dinner on the harbour. It was nice to forget about things, even for an hour.

The next morning I woke up and just had a long shower and a nice breakfast. I was not allowed to put anything perfumed on as perfume is not good for the eggs.

We arrived at the clinic at 11.15am. I put the lovely hospital gown on, DH put his lovely shoe covers on (that barely went over his feet) and we waited. Everyone at the clinic were soooo nice and made me feel very at ease. The scientist came in to talk to me and explained what will go on.

Many people are put under general anaesthesia for EPU's but I was not as the clinic I go to prefer not to. So I was completely awake for the whole thing. My doctor put an IV in my arm and gave me some pain medication. Once the speculum was in and the ultrasound could see my ovaries, he inserted a long needle into my vagina, which pierces the walls in order to extract (or empty) the follicles/eggs. It seems scary at first - being awake. Yet, it is so exciting as my doctor passes containers over to the scientist, who puts the containers under a microscope which is connected to a big flat screen TV. It was amazing to hear the scientist count the eggs and me being able to see them. I was almost on a high (or it could have been the drugs!).

Afterwards, I was wheeled out to recover (I felt fine, just a bit whoozy) while my husband was escorted (oh the need for a better word!) off to do his 'business' so we could fertilise the eggs. I really think my husband gets the easy part of the deal!

Not long after, the scientist comes in to tell me that they retrieved 15 eggs! Woo hoo! My doctor said his average is 6-10 so I am happy with my result. I have a weak cup of tea, get told some instructions and then go back with my husband to the hotel.

My husband has to go back home but I decide to stay as I don't want to make another trip back just 4 days later for the embryo transfer. My lovely brother looks after me at his house during that time. I started to get quite sick and could not walk well. My breathing was restricted and I looked like I was 6 months pregnant. I ring the doctor and it looks like I have OHSS (overstimulated ovaries) which can be dangerous. If you do any lifting etc you can twist an ovary. My doctor tells me I have fluid moving up to my lungs. Great. Just perfect.

I get to the day of the transfer and I am feeling slightly better. Until I am told that only 2 embryos survived. One embryo (blastocyst) was to be transferred back in me and one to be frozen. You think I would be happy but I just expected more to survive. After the transfer of the embryo, I was so upset and then the nurse (who had not taken blood much before - poor thing) couldn't get blood from one arm after putting the needle in and said she had to use the other arm. I lost it. Completely lost it. I cried like a baby. I felt so bad because the nurse thought I was upset with her and I wasn't. I was just bloated, felt awful, hormonal, sore and tired. I had been away from home for 6 days and I just wanted to leave.

Early May 2010 - My blood test to see if I was pregnant was scheduled on a Wednesday. I had to take clexane for about 12 days all up. Clexane is an injection and it is used for thinning blood. This injection is by far, the worse injection I have had out of all 4. The needles are blunt and after a few seconds the liquid really stings. My period arrived on the Monday (2 days before my blood test was due). It almost felt like I was having another miscarriage. The emotional pain was so bad. All that pain, time, money, wanting, etc... all for nothing. My mother in law found out that we were doing IVF from my sister in law (she slipped and told our secret which annoyed me!). My mother in law rang me a day before I got my period and was rude to me and basically got angry at me for not telling her about IVF and the miscarriages. She said it was her right to know. I was really upset as I believe it is my husband's and my business. No one else's. We can share it with whoever we like. She did not ask how I was. She did not care about all the miscarriages I had suffered or the emotional cycle of IVF we had just been through. She just cared that she didn't know the 'gossip'. When I got my period the next day, I couldn't help but feel a little resentful towards her. To be honest, I did not want her to know as she always says insensitive things and I did not want a reason to be upset with her as she has already given me plenty of other reasons to be upset. When I was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks all up, she only lived 10 minutes away and did not visit or phone call me once. So by me not telling her I was, in my own way, keeping the peace.

A few months passed by and my husband and I decided to use the frozen embryo. I had to take FSH for this cycle, even though there was no EPU as the doctor wanted to increase my lining. So, in August 2010, I went down to the clinic and hoped the blastocyst (day 5 embryo) would survive thawing. It did! Not only did it survive the thaw, it had starting expanding and compacting and it was also hatching. Here is a picture of the beautiful blastocyst hatching.

Once the gorgeous blast was transferred I had to take injections of clexane again. Ouch! About 5 days later I started getting positive pregnancy tests! Woo hoo!!! I was very excited as my lining got to 6.2mm this cycle, which I know is not 8mm like they want, but I have been told that full term pregnancies have occured with a lining of 5mm or more. Unfortunately, my dream was short lived and I had an early miscarriage just 5 or 6 days later. At this point, I was ready to give up.

September 2010

I started looking into adoption and fostering. The rules state that a couple can not undergo any fertility treatment while trying to adopt or foster. Agh! Why does everything have to be so difficult!

October 2010

October is an awful month for me. I have 2 angel's expected due dates in October and I lost the twins in October. I offically hate October. I can't believe I have lost 6 angels. I think about them every single day. Sometimes I get a bit sick and tired of how some people trivialise a loss or losses.

Since then I have seen a new fertility specialist who is through the public system as my husband and I do not have the money to keep going through the private clinic (as much as we love them). The new doctor wants me to get an endometrium biospy to check for NK Killer cells as these cells can kill unborn babies and cause recurrent miscarriages. These cells are usually treated with a steroid. I have to wait until my period starts, then get some blood tests. Then I'll have to have blood tests for about 20 days straight to make sure I get the biopsy done at the right time. I think the biopsy will be roughly in a months time. I am nervous to have the biopsy but after the new doctor looked at all of my notes and previous files (there were heaps) she said "after what you have been through, the biospy will be easy for you." Hopefully she is telling the truth!

Okay, that is most of my past now and I can start writing about current things. Hopefully I won't sound so boring now that I am not writing a recount of the last few years. I must admit, I feel better for getting it out there!

I will be back soon! Thanks for reading!

And the story continues (Post # 3)

I will try and make the next 2.5 years of my baby making story shorter than the last posts. I will give dates. So after the huge ordeal with my first miscarriage (as I tried to explain in my 1st and 2nd post) my husband and I started trying for babies again.

July 2008 - Not pregnant.
August 2008 - Not pregnant
September 2008 - Not pregnant
October 2008 - Not pregnant
November 2008 - Not pregnant
December 2008 - Not pregnant

January 2009 - Pregnant!!! You take it for granted getting pregnant easily. My first pregnancy (that ended in the horrific miscarriage) seemed so easy. Getting pregnant on the 7th month is still quick and within the normal range, but I was anxious after the miscarriage and just wanted the feeling of a baby back in my tummy (okay, uterus, but tummy sounds nicer and less clinical). I decided not to worry as I had read that having a miscarriage is common and not likely to happen again.

Well, around close to 6 weeks pregnant, I got the phone call about my hcg levels. Hcg is a pregnancy hormone. When the embryo (baby) implants in the uterus wall, it starts to give your body this hormone. The hcg hormone is meant to double roughly every 48 hours. Once you get to 7 or 8 weeks, the doubling time can slow down as the placenta is taking over. Anyway, my hcg level came back exactly the same as the level it was 48 hours earlier. I was still calm as I thought the doctors were mixing my results up with old ones. I had another blood test and it was confirmed that I was losing another baby. I went into complete shock. I made suicide threats against myself. My poor mother worried her socks off and jumped in the car and drove 1.5 hours to come and be with me. How could I be so stupid? I should have protected myself and not have got attached to the pregnancy. What was wrong with me, I kept questioning myself. Failure is one word that comes to mind. That is one word that I associate with myself way too often.

I got the stupid comments that are supposed to make me feel better but don't. "Never mind, it was just cells anyway", "It wasn't meant to be", "It will happen, hang in there", "I know what you are going through, my friend had 2 miscarriages", etc. Is it really that hard just to say "I am so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through, this is so unfair and I am here anytime you need to talk about it."

I lost this pregnancy naturally. It hurt (physically and mentally) but I was happy I did not need a D&C (or 4).

My husband and I started again immediately. I fell pregnant in March 2009, and yep. Had another miscarriage.

I booked into a fertility specialist as I thought something was not right. He sent me for a few blood tests but thought I was being over the top. I did not 'click' with the specialist and thought he was a bit dismissive. My husband and I had the blood tests and everything came back normal.

We tried for a few more cycles and nothing was happening. After doing a bit of research, I thought my luteal phase may be on the short side. Luteal phase is the part of your cycle after ovulation. After you ovulate, the follicle that released an egg turns into what is called a corpus luteam. It produces progesterone. Progesterone keeps your lining in your uterus and maintains a nice environment so if an embryo was to implant, it could do so easily. The corpus luteam will stop functioning if you are not pregnant and you will get your period. If you are pregnant, it functions until you are around 8-9 weeks pregnant. That is when the placenta takes over and produces the hormone instead. Some people confuse progesterone symptoms with pregnancy ones because they are the same. Anyway, so an average luteal phase is about 14 days. Mine was only about 11. So I was getting my period about 11 days after I ovulated. I would spot a day or two beforehand. So basically, an embryo implants in the uterus around 6-10 days after ovulation/fertilization. I started worrying that if an embryo was implanting around day 8, 9 or 10 after ovulation, it would not have a chance to properly 'hang on' as my body is already telling my uterus that I am going to have a period, my progesterone is dropping and I am shedding my lining. I thought this could relate to my miscarriages. Especially my last two.

So I went to see another fertility specialist. He put me on a drug called Clomid. He believed Clomid would help lengthen my luteal phase. He also gave me progesterone pessaries (to be inserted in the vagina daily). Obviously you can not take progesterone until after you ovulate or find out you are pregnant. Before ovulation, you do not really produce much progesterone at all, mostly estrogen, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (Lutenizing Hormone which your produce not long before you ovulate). So if you took progesterone at the wrong time, it could really mess up your cycles.

So I took the clomid (I took it from day 3-7 at the start of my cycle). I then used OPKs to predict when ovulation would be. OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kit) is a pee on the stick. You do it around 10am-8pm. It is good to make sure you have not had much to drink for a few hours. When the two lines on the stick are the same colour, it means you will most likely ovulate within 12-48 hours. An OPK measures LH (lutenizing hormone). Because LH peaks 12-48 hours before ovulation, this is a good indicator of when we will release an egg. My husband and I followed this. I also got a blood test about 8 days after ovulation to confirm ovulation. The blood test will check for progesterone. If progesterone is around 20 or more they are happy and think you ovulated as the progesterone is an indicator that your body is in the luteal phase. Getting this test done too close to ovulation could leave you without answers as your body needs at least 5 days for the progesterone to climb. My level came back at 48 so I was happy.

October 2009 - 4 days later I did a pregnancy test. It was a digital one and it said 'pregnant'. Oh those gorgeous words. Oh how I love thee. I was so excited to see those words! I was already on the progesterone pessaries so I felt at ease. I went and got a blood test to measure my hcg levels. Yep, definitely knocked up! I had another blood test 1 week later. I did the calculations. Yep, the levels were doubling every 32 hours! I had another blood test another week later. They were still continuing to double every 32-38 hours! I was thrilled! I had another blood test 1 week later. I was 7 weeks pregnant. I rang up for the results at work. The nurse told me the numbers. I was losing the baby. I lost it. Completely. My boss had to calm me down and let me have the rest of the week off. I had to go and have an ultrasound the next day. As if finding out that losing your baby again wasn't hard enough. Seeing that I was supposed to have twins shattered me. I went home and sobbed. Then I turned numb. Completely numb. I lost the babies naturally. It was horrific to say the least. I can barely type the words without crying.

To jump a few months ahead. I saw a new fertility specialist. He came to my town every few months but works in Sydney. I liked him immediately. He did lots of tests on me and my husband. My husband has enough sperm to repopulate the world and had no DNA breakage issues. Check! They did a HSG on me, where they put a catheter inside my uterus, while I am awake, and put dye in there. They check my tubes to make sure they are not blocked. They check for any fibroids, abnormal shaped uterus, scarring of any kind, polyps, you name it. I get told I have a gorgeous uterus. Check! You know you want a baby desperately when being told you have a gorgeous uterus means more to you than being told you are beautiful!

Then the fertility specialist wanted to know what my uterus lining was doing after ovulation (before my period) and to see how thick it was. Around ovulation, they like to see a lining thickness of about 8mm or more. 8-12mm is considered good. So my lining was checked. Uh oh. My lining was only 4mm thick. I knew this couldn't be good. I go back and have an appointment in March 2010 with the fertility specialist. He seems to think this is why I am continuing to lose the pregnancies. In a way I am happy to find this news out. Let's fix it and move on and have a baby! Nope. More bad news. Fixing endometrium lining can be very difficult, he tells me. There is little information out there about this condition and it doesn't really have a name. It looks as though the 4 D&C's from my first miscarriage have done this to me. My lining was thick with my first pregnancy. I. Am. Not. Happy.

So my fertility specialist basically says that IVF is my best chance as the drugs may improve my lining. I can't just take the drugs and have sex as the chance of multiples is way too high and dangerous. So, as soon as I get my period, I'll be starting my first IVF cycle. Scared? Hell yes! It doesn't help that I'll have to drive 5.5 hours each way just to get the IVF procedure done. I am told that there is a good chance that IVF will still not help me and that surrogacy may be my only option. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I started my IVF journey in April 2010. I'll be back later to fill you in on the lovely experiences of needles, more dildo cams, speculums, needles in my va-jayjay, hormone swings and many more wonderful things you deal with when doing IVF.

So, as I was saying... Post # 2

So, as I was saying from my last entry, I thought that my husband and I could pick up and we started trying for a baby again.

A few weeks later after being told I lost the baby, something felt wrong. Very wrong. I rang the doctor and booked in. He scheduled an ultrasound for me later that week. I went in to the ultrasound and I was told that I had not passed the baby and to contact my doctor. I was so scared. I had read that if you retain the baby (or 'product' as they call it) then it can lead to serious infection and hemorrhaging. I just didn't want to deal with it. I was trying to move forward and instead I was a sobbing mess.

I booked in for my D&C as my doctor had told me to do. I still remember it clearly. It was Easter and the doctors were so nice. They don't usually open the theatres during Easter but did. They let my husband come in to the recovery once I woke up.

10 days had passed and I still felt something was wrong. I felt sick and horrible. I had another scan to find out that they didn't get any of the 'retained product'. I couldn't believe it. I remember just breaking down and crying. Why couldn't this be over? Hadn't I dealt with enough? I booked in to see a private ob, who was at the end of his career, but in my home town there was really no one else to choose from. He said he would perform another D&C and that I would be fine by the weekend, as I was bridesmaid for one of my best friends.

I was out of hospital Thursday and travelled to my friend's town on the Friday. I was so tired and my breasts were still massive and sore. My breasts barely fitted into the bridesmaid dress! On the Saturday, while the girls and I were getting ready for the wedding, I went to the toilet and noticed I was losing a lot of blood. Heaps. I had to call my husband and get him to bring me some extra pads. I tried to ignore it as I wanted to be a good bridesmaid and focus on my friend getting married that day. No one suspected anything.

That night, I remember feeling so unwell and my husband and I went back to our hotel room and I was extremely hot and bothered. I felt so sick and was still losing blood.

The next morning, we quickly had breakfast, then left. As we arrived back in my home town, I didn't even get to go home (I wanted to see my 10 week old puppy). My husband had to take me straight to emergency at the hospital. He left me there so he could take home my luggage and feed our puppy and then he was coming back. The nurse got me straight in as they could tell something was wrong. They brought the on call ob down to check on me. I remember her doing an internal then afterwards she had this blank look on her face. I looked down and the entire sheet and floor was covered in my blood. She tried to keep me calm. I was hooked up to an IV bag straight away to increase my fluids as I was dehydrated. I was wheeled up to the surgical ward and the private ob who did my 2nd D&C was called. They thought it was possible that I had a molar pregnancy as they checked my hcg hormone level (which should have been 0 as I had 2 D&C's and the baby was not alive). My hcg hormone levels a few weeks earlier were 44,000. That day they were about 200,000. Obviously I was scared and didn't understand why my hormones were continuing to rise if the baby was not alive.

The private ob did a 3rd D&C with an ultrasound (which to me, is so outdated, he could have used a hysteroscopy). He could not get to the product and was not sure why. He had never dealt with a case like mine before. My lining was very thick and my hormones were continuing to rise.

The next day I woke up and was told I was being flown by air ambulance to a bigger hospital in Newcastle (about 4 hours from my home town). I was frightened to say the least. I arrived that afternoon and somehow felt relieved when I got there. The hospital was amazing and after meeting the nurses and doctors (I was in the oncology/gynecology unit) I felt safe. They were incredible. The nurses gave me my own room with my own bathroom and came in to have chats with me. Their nickname for me was 'worms' because I wouldn't stop eating Cheezels and chocolate.

The next morning I woke up and met my doctor. I won't say his name on here, just his initials. Dr K.J. He was so lovely and seemed very determined to get to the bottom of it. Rather than going straight back for a 4th D&C, he did x-rays to make sure that if it was a molar pregnancy (pre-cancerous) that there were no spots on my lungs. It was all clear. Next, I had an MRI. All clear (the mass was inside my uterus and not anywhere else). I had blood tests about everyday. They checked my poo, my wee, my blood clots, you name it. There was a chance I was going to have to go on Methotrexate (a form of chemo) to kill of the particles in hope I would expell the 'retained product'. One night, I still remember clearly. I went into what felt like labour. I was screaming and in so much pain. I had to keep going to the toilet, even though nothing happened when I went to the toilet. I couldn't bare it, especially knowing that I was not getting a baby after all this pain. I can't even describe it. After 5 hours, I was given morphine which helped quite a bit.

The next morning, the doctor had me in for a 4th D&C and he was using a hysteroscopy so he could see where he was going. He got it all! I think the labour helped loosen the product. He said he checked for scarring of my endometrium lining with the hysteroscopy camera but could not see any.

To cut a long story short, I was sent home and had to have some blood tests to make sure my hormones were going down and were staying down. I was checked on for the next few months. All up, I bled for 50 days so it was a delight when I got to stop wearing pads. This all happened in March/April 2008.

After a very long time, I eventually got my period back. I think it took 3 months. So then, our baby making journey began (again).

Until next time...

My history of trying to make a baby... (Post # 1)

Hi all! This is my first blog EVER! Excuse parts that are disjointed or a little boring. I will try my best. I really felt it was time to blog my journey with infertility and miscarriage. Just so you know a little about me, I will give you a history and some dates (I am very good with dates which annoys my husband!).

I am 27 years old and my husband and I got married a bit over 3 years ago (Sept 2007). We started trying for a baby immediately. It was when we babysat my sister in law's 18 month old that I realised I wanted to be a mother. I always knew I wanted a baby, but something really clicked that night. I felt like a mum and not just a babysitter. My nephew was upset, crying and thirsty. I still remember bringing him into our bed with a bottle of water and hearing him slurp away at it, breathing loudly. He then cuddled up to me, his hand over my eyes, and went to sleep. Although I was uncomfortable, I was in love!

In early February 2008, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited to say the least. I walked around touching my belly (even at just 5 weeks), I ate all the right foods and avoided all the wrong ones. I pee'ed on 143 million Home Pregnancy Tests (oh how I wish I had shares in HPT companies!) and I just felt extremely content all round. When I was 5 weeks and 4 days along I felt some major discomfort for an hour or so, so I booked in for an ultrasound. It was early, but everything looked 'fine' and they could see a sac so I went home happy. My pregnancy symptoms continued and I was as happy as ice magic on ice cream, even if I was enduring morning sickness and very sore breasts.

When I was around 9 weeks pregnant, I started spotting. When I first saw the blood, I was very upset, but, after reading on Dr Google that it can be normal due to the placenta taking over and the cervix being sensitive, I felt relieved. After 5 days of spotting I decided to have another ultrasound. I was panicked but kept trying to tell myself it was okay. My husband was at work so my mum decided to come with me (bless her). I will never forget the look on the technician's face. Never. First she tried to reassure me, saying that I was probably not as far along as I thought, which I knew was not right. Then, I froze. It didn't sink in until I left the room and had to pay for the ultrasound. That is when I started crying. I didn't care what anyone else thought, I had just lost my baby. My little baby who I had loved and treasured from the moment I knew I was pregnant. We had just bought a puppy and so when I got home, my puppy slept on my lap while I sobbed. She was usually an excited and naughty puppy, but she knew something was wrong and she really looked after me that day.

I was left numb. But after a week or so I felt a little better and concentrated on the fact that we would try again. Well... so I thought...

I still have so much to share and don't want to let it all out in one stint, so I think I will do another entry in a few days. After several entries, I plan on sharing my blog with my family and close friends so they can understand what I have to endure daily. The emotions, fears, self-hate and the list goes on. Dealing with miscarriage and infertility is not as easy to deal with as some people continue to think. It can rule your whole life. It can change the way you act, think, your relationships and many other aspects of your life. I have had comments made to me like "maybe when you are more maternal you will carry a baby to full term". I don't care if you have never experienced infertility, who says such a comment?! The list goes on. I know most the time people are trying to say the 'right' thing, but often all we want to hear is "Your situation sucks. I hate that this is happening to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, even if it is just talking". (Maybe with a "I can grow a baby for you" thrown in the mix!).

Thanks for reading my first entry if you got this far. :-D

Manda x