Holding on tight.

A lot has happened since I posted last.

4 days after my first ultrasound I found myself at the hospital as the bleeding increased. I had another ultrasound and was told that I had a hematoma (clot) in the uterus and that is what is causing the bleeding. I was told to have bed rest for a week as it can make chances of miscarriage higher.

Today (10 days after been about the clot) I had another ultrasound. The baby is measuring almost spot on for dates (8 weeks and 2 days - 1 day ahead) and a heart rate of 186. Of course I worried that the heart rate was too fast but Dr Google told me that there has been no evidence of increased risk with a high heart rate, and that around this point in the pregnancy, the heart rate peaks at its fastest and slowly starts to decline until it reaches its average. Of course, I still worry!

I am getting some whopper bruises from the clexane injections and hair growth on my face has increased big time from the steroids! In all honesty, I don't care. I would do anything for this baby.

And the spotting continues...

I am still getting brown discharge.

It worries me to no end. Every time I go to the toilet, it is there. Staring at me in the face.

How could I possibly think things would be different given my history?

Limbo Land

I just got back from my doctor's office. My hormone levels are where they should be.

I just have to keep breathing.

I. Hate. Blood.

I started getting light brown discharge last night when I wipe. This is how it started with my other miscarriages. I can't stop crying. I'm preparing for the worst.

I feel terrible as my sister in law, her husband and two kids (aged 2 and 4) were going to stay with us this weekend. I just sent her a text explaining my situation and that I don't feel like seeing anyone (not to mention extra housework, being around little kids, doing my injections, and having a lowered immune system from the steroids). If I am losing the baby, the last thing I feel like is entertaining. I'm in no state to be around anyone. I feel like a terrible sister in law, but I am usually an obliging person. This time, I have been told by a few people to be selfish and do what is right for me. So, I am.

I'm still in shock.

I had another restless night last night. I was so worried about disappearing symptoms, cramps, etc. I decided to take today off work as I could not function.

DH came home from work (a 50km drive) and took me to an ultrasound as I was a nutcase. Taking all these drugs, injections, etc and just not knowing if everything is okay after 5 miscarriages is just too much.

I cried. I cried my eyes out when I saw the screen. A heartbeat. A heartbeat of 120 beats per minute and measuring about 6 weeks and 1 day (about a day behind by my dates). I know I am far from being out of the 'danger' zone but it was such a big moment for my husband and me. We have never seen a heartbeat before. Even my husband was amazed and said it was worth him driving home for. I know I won't continue to stop worrying, that is just who I am (and have become) but I feel like I might at least relax for the next 2-3 hours.

Hanging by a thread.

I had 2 hours sleep last night. 2 hours! There are 2 reasons for this. The first one being that I worry about this pregnancy to no end. I scrutinize every twinge and every symptom. The second reason is because the steroids pump me up. I am a maniac. My poor husband!

I have continued to do pregnancy tests. I am sending myself insane (which the steroids are doing to me too). The line isn't getting any darker any more. Then I try and convince myself that pregnancy tests have to reach their maximum point of darkness. Then my rational side disappears and I am a nutcase all over again.

I have had a few cramps today which have freaked me out. I actually told my first 'in real life' friend today about this pregnancy. I know that she will be supportive if something goes wrong.

I wish I could be happy and excited but all I feel is fear and worry.