Finally, November is here!

Not that I am usually one to wish the time away, but I am happy sad October is over. All over Red Rover. I lost my twins last year in October and 1 of my angels was due in October 2008 and another angel was due in October 2009. So, as you can see, October is a horrible, horrible month. I also dislike my birthday now because the twins were due on this day. Hopefully one day, these sad dates that are so clear in my mind will become foggy.

Today my blood test referrals showed up in the mail, ready for my endometrial biopsy (where they take some of my lining while I am awake - ouch!) It looks like I will have to have a blood test every day for about 20 days. WHAT?! Yep, 20 days. *Sigh* You think I would be used to being a pin cushion by now but I think you never truly do. I have had so much blood taken from me, I feel like a vampire's (preferably Eric, Damon, Stefan on Emmett's) play toy. My fertility specialist can not tell me when my biopsy is yet as it all depends on the days of my cycle and what my hormones are doing. They need to do the biopsy about 2 days before my period begins.

A few days ago (pretty much on angel # 1's birthday) I got my period. My husband and I tried falling pregnant naturally this cycle. Just hoping that something magical might happen in the world and I might fall pregnant and not miscarry. So, when my period showed up I was devastated that the universe was not listening and so against me. I had a massive meltdown and then had to babysit my 2 nephews (aged 18 months and 4 years) that day. They stayed for 3 days. Kind of bad timing but I sucked it up and did my aunt duties. They are gorgeous boys and I love them them to bits. I am a bit of a clean freak so I was finding it a bit stressful when they were going crazy in the house, fingers on everything, my lovely suede lounge now stained with milk, banana and dirt, finger prints all over my glass french doors, poo explosions, wetting the bed, etc! Eeeeek! It's funny (and depressing) though. I went into mummy mode. I thought I'd be hopeless but I knew what to do. I haven't spent lots of time with them (they are my husband's sister's kids) but they really warmed to me. The 18 month old clinged to me and even called me mum. Gorgeous but a kick in the teeth. Apparently my body has no idea how to be a mum. After my 3 days with the boys, I really do have a new found respect for mothers. It really is a full time gig (they are not lying) but I can also see why it would be the most rewarding job in the world. Even though things can get hectic, having your own child to love would be the most awesome experience I can think of. Some days, I completely hate the world for robbing me of that. Especially when there are people out there who seem to care very little about their children. It's not fair, I tell you!

Although it doesn't take the pain away, I have started watching (a lot of) television. Mostly following TV series. I never really watched TV much and now I am hooked. It lets me escape my reality at times and enjoy something different. I have a friend (who happens to follow me on this blog - not mentioning names though!) who likes many of the same shows, so we often text late at night, swapping notes, drooling over gorgeous vampires and plotting what will happen next. Thank God she gets my love for TV. She is often my saviour and when I have been feeling glum and then get a text to discuss the latest Vampire Diaries episode, it cheers me right up.

I think if I didn't have my vices, I would be locked in a padded room. Infertility, miscarriages and IVF is enough to make any normal person insane. Throw in the procedures, tests, me driving 6 hours each way for an appointment constantly, my hospital stays, etc and I really don't know how I turn up to work some days! I was normal. Once upon a time, I was an easy going woman who was most certainly not bitter. I'd like to know where my old self is, and if anyone sees her, can you tell her I want the old me back. I don't enjoy getting upset when friends fall pregnant after the first month or when they tell me they saw the heartbeat at an ultrasound appointment. I don't want to start crying at the supermarket because I see a little girl who would be the same age as my first angel. I don't want to scream, kick and yell in the car with the music on loudly because my friend has announced her second pregnancy and I was pregnant with my first angel a LONG time before she was pregnant with her first baby. I want to feel like me again. Luckily, I am reasonably good at sucking it up in public and smiling, being happy, etc. The thing is, I truly am happy for my friends when I find out they are pregnant, but I feel so saddened that I can still not join them on the same journey and it makes me so mad I am left behind. All because of my stupid body.

About a year after my first miscarriage and about 3-5 months after my 2nd and 3rd miscarriage, my husband and I started getting our house renovated. Another activity that helps take your mind off things. Perhaps in my next post I will post some before and after pictures. We are also now thinking about extending our home and making it much bigger. Our home is about 90 years old and I love it. Yes, some parts are worn down and very old, but I think she (the house is female) is a real beauty. It is not overly big, but it is not small either. I will dig up some pictures ready for my next post. I will also tell you a little bit about my wonder dog, Milly. The best dog in the whole world. I suppose I better find some pictures of her, too.

Thanks for listening. I really needed to get out some of my sadness that surrounds me in the month of October. Hopefully, I can try and move forward a little this month.

Manda xxx