My husband called me a zombie today and I must say, it hurt my feelings.
He wanted to go and watch a movie together at the cinema. The old me would have loved to but I hate going out of the house if I do not need to on the weekends. He doesn't understand me not wanting to go because really, in his mind, I am doing the same thing at home. Watching TV shows. To me, watching TV shows while in bed is escaping reality alone. With others around, being a part of my 'escape world', it reminds me it is all pretend.
My husband is also concerned because I do not get out of my PJ's until 2pm or so on weekends if we are not leaving the house. Now all I feel is like a lazy, unsociable slob. I feel guilt, too. Guilt because I am not the same as when he first married me. I am the broken version. All I want to do is stay in bed, watch TV and escape my reality. I can feel depression creeping up. I know I should see a counsellor but I do not want to. I seriously have no idea what I want except that I just want to watch another episode of One Tree Hill. Nathan and Hayley are getting back together so all is right in my 'escape world'.
I can see why my husband is slightly insulting me. He is worried for me and our relationship. I know we aren't born as mind readers but I wish today he could read my mind. I wish he could see me struggling with the depth of our fertility problems. With the loss of our babies. With being childless and feeling like an old barren hag. I wish he could join the dots and realise that deep down I do not want to be a 'zombie' but my TV obsession helps kill the overwhelming pain I feel. Going out and facing the world is a reminder of my failure to be a mother. Failing to look after my unborn babies. Failing to be a woman. I wish he could just give me a hug and tell me that I'm doing well to hang on after all of these encounters. Tell me that even though I am hidden from the world, I still have strength.
I love my husband with all of my heart and I know he loves me. I just wish he could be inside my body for an hour and see that my coping mechanisms are far better than other available options out there.
Wow, Panda, this is powerful stuff. My heart aches for you. I so wish I could hug you... We are all going thru things, our own pains, at different levels. And I completely understand the need to escape reality. I NEED to have my escape, otherwise I would go insane. My esacpe is t.v shows and books. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to do the things you use to do. You are a different person. When you go thru things in life, it makes us change. One thing I know for sure you are NOT a failure as a woman, or as a mother. You are a beautiful strong, brave, courageous woman. I could not go thru with what you are going thru. You just soldier on. You deserve a medal.
ReplyDeleteAnd usually men do not understand these things.
When I lost a baby in 2007, hubby did not hug me, or say it will be alright. I felt so alone. So empty. Only a woman that has gone thru it understands. Thinking of you......
Panda, I feel so sad for you, your posts make me cry. You are not a failure in any way. All I can say is if you are feeling like you are sliding into depression, please, please see someone about it. My Dad had depression for many many years and it almost killed him and my mum. You owe it to yourself and your hubby.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you always x
hollysmama
This is so familiar to me. As you know I have similar ways of escaping. My partner doesn't truly understand either. Have you tried telling him all the stuff you've written in the second last and final paragraphs? I've tried to explain the way I feel to my partner and I think it has helped a bit.
ReplyDeleteGreat blog Manda, yours and thecrazycatwoman have made me feel so much less alone on this terrible journey of infertility. I post as andyk on EB.
ReplyDeleteI am also a fellow lover of One Tree Hill (just finished season 6 on dvd) and can totally relate to living in my own private little world to block out the pain.
DH and I had to travel to Sydney on the weekend for our friends baby daughter's christening, of all things and we had "the chat" in the car about my depression and what is the next step for me to deal with it. At the church the priest spoke about praying for healing for all those with a broken spirit and I started crying.
My only advice would be to try and let your husband in a bit more on how you are feeling. I know mine has no idea how much I am carrying until I tell him how bad things have gotten.
It's a man thing, they don't appear to know how to handle emotions involved with infertility, pregnancy loss etc
ReplyDeleteWith all my miscarriages, Guvnor has appeared to be disconnected and while affected by them, no where near as much as me.
I understand not wantng to see a counsellor but have you thought about just seeing your DR, having a chat about things? They may be happy to prescribe you some antid's just to see if they help lift the cloud?
The most important thing I can tell you is that you're not alone in this, there are [unfortunately] alot of women out there who have gone through similar things to you and feel or have felt what you're now feeling.
xox