My history of trying to make a baby... (Post # 1)

Hi all! This is my first blog EVER! Excuse parts that are disjointed or a little boring. I will try my best. I really felt it was time to blog my journey with infertility and miscarriage. Just so you know a little about me, I will give you a history and some dates (I am very good with dates which annoys my husband!).

I am 27 years old and my husband and I got married a bit over 3 years ago (Sept 2007). We started trying for a baby immediately. It was when we babysat my sister in law's 18 month old that I realised I wanted to be a mother. I always knew I wanted a baby, but something really clicked that night. I felt like a mum and not just a babysitter. My nephew was upset, crying and thirsty. I still remember bringing him into our bed with a bottle of water and hearing him slurp away at it, breathing loudly. He then cuddled up to me, his hand over my eyes, and went to sleep. Although I was uncomfortable, I was in love!

In early February 2008, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited to say the least. I walked around touching my belly (even at just 5 weeks), I ate all the right foods and avoided all the wrong ones. I pee'ed on 143 million Home Pregnancy Tests (oh how I wish I had shares in HPT companies!) and I just felt extremely content all round. When I was 5 weeks and 4 days along I felt some major discomfort for an hour or so, so I booked in for an ultrasound. It was early, but everything looked 'fine' and they could see a sac so I went home happy. My pregnancy symptoms continued and I was as happy as ice magic on ice cream, even if I was enduring morning sickness and very sore breasts.

When I was around 9 weeks pregnant, I started spotting. When I first saw the blood, I was very upset, but, after reading on Dr Google that it can be normal due to the placenta taking over and the cervix being sensitive, I felt relieved. After 5 days of spotting I decided to have another ultrasound. I was panicked but kept trying to tell myself it was okay. My husband was at work so my mum decided to come with me (bless her). I will never forget the look on the technician's face. Never. First she tried to reassure me, saying that I was probably not as far along as I thought, which I knew was not right. Then, I froze. It didn't sink in until I left the room and had to pay for the ultrasound. That is when I started crying. I didn't care what anyone else thought, I had just lost my baby. My little baby who I had loved and treasured from the moment I knew I was pregnant. We had just bought a puppy and so when I got home, my puppy slept on my lap while I sobbed. She was usually an excited and naughty puppy, but she knew something was wrong and she really looked after me that day.

I was left numb. But after a week or so I felt a little better and concentrated on the fact that we would try again. Well... so I thought...

I still have so much to share and don't want to let it all out in one stint, so I think I will do another entry in a few days. After several entries, I plan on sharing my blog with my family and close friends so they can understand what I have to endure daily. The emotions, fears, self-hate and the list goes on. Dealing with miscarriage and infertility is not as easy to deal with as some people continue to think. It can rule your whole life. It can change the way you act, think, your relationships and many other aspects of your life. I have had comments made to me like "maybe when you are more maternal you will carry a baby to full term". I don't care if you have never experienced infertility, who says such a comment?! The list goes on. I know most the time people are trying to say the 'right' thing, but often all we want to hear is "Your situation sucks. I hate that this is happening to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, even if it is just talking". (Maybe with a "I can grow a baby for you" thrown in the mix!).

Thanks for reading my first entry if you got this far. :-D

Manda x