And the story continues (Post # 3)

I will try and make the next 2.5 years of my baby making story shorter than the last posts. I will give dates. So after the huge ordeal with my first miscarriage (as I tried to explain in my 1st and 2nd post) my husband and I started trying for babies again.

July 2008 - Not pregnant.
August 2008 - Not pregnant
September 2008 - Not pregnant
October 2008 - Not pregnant
November 2008 - Not pregnant
December 2008 - Not pregnant

January 2009 - Pregnant!!! You take it for granted getting pregnant easily. My first pregnancy (that ended in the horrific miscarriage) seemed so easy. Getting pregnant on the 7th month is still quick and within the normal range, but I was anxious after the miscarriage and just wanted the feeling of a baby back in my tummy (okay, uterus, but tummy sounds nicer and less clinical). I decided not to worry as I had read that having a miscarriage is common and not likely to happen again.

Well, around close to 6 weeks pregnant, I got the phone call about my hcg levels. Hcg is a pregnancy hormone. When the embryo (baby) implants in the uterus wall, it starts to give your body this hormone. The hcg hormone is meant to double roughly every 48 hours. Once you get to 7 or 8 weeks, the doubling time can slow down as the placenta is taking over. Anyway, my hcg level came back exactly the same as the level it was 48 hours earlier. I was still calm as I thought the doctors were mixing my results up with old ones. I had another blood test and it was confirmed that I was losing another baby. I went into complete shock. I made suicide threats against myself. My poor mother worried her socks off and jumped in the car and drove 1.5 hours to come and be with me. How could I be so stupid? I should have protected myself and not have got attached to the pregnancy. What was wrong with me, I kept questioning myself. Failure is one word that comes to mind. That is one word that I associate with myself way too often.

I got the stupid comments that are supposed to make me feel better but don't. "Never mind, it was just cells anyway", "It wasn't meant to be", "It will happen, hang in there", "I know what you are going through, my friend had 2 miscarriages", etc. Is it really that hard just to say "I am so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through, this is so unfair and I am here anytime you need to talk about it."

I lost this pregnancy naturally. It hurt (physically and mentally) but I was happy I did not need a D&C (or 4).

My husband and I started again immediately. I fell pregnant in March 2009, and yep. Had another miscarriage.

I booked into a fertility specialist as I thought something was not right. He sent me for a few blood tests but thought I was being over the top. I did not 'click' with the specialist and thought he was a bit dismissive. My husband and I had the blood tests and everything came back normal.

We tried for a few more cycles and nothing was happening. After doing a bit of research, I thought my luteal phase may be on the short side. Luteal phase is the part of your cycle after ovulation. After you ovulate, the follicle that released an egg turns into what is called a corpus luteam. It produces progesterone. Progesterone keeps your lining in your uterus and maintains a nice environment so if an embryo was to implant, it could do so easily. The corpus luteam will stop functioning if you are not pregnant and you will get your period. If you are pregnant, it functions until you are around 8-9 weeks pregnant. That is when the placenta takes over and produces the hormone instead. Some people confuse progesterone symptoms with pregnancy ones because they are the same. Anyway, so an average luteal phase is about 14 days. Mine was only about 11. So I was getting my period about 11 days after I ovulated. I would spot a day or two beforehand. So basically, an embryo implants in the uterus around 6-10 days after ovulation/fertilization. I started worrying that if an embryo was implanting around day 8, 9 or 10 after ovulation, it would not have a chance to properly 'hang on' as my body is already telling my uterus that I am going to have a period, my progesterone is dropping and I am shedding my lining. I thought this could relate to my miscarriages. Especially my last two.

So I went to see another fertility specialist. He put me on a drug called Clomid. He believed Clomid would help lengthen my luteal phase. He also gave me progesterone pessaries (to be inserted in the vagina daily). Obviously you can not take progesterone until after you ovulate or find out you are pregnant. Before ovulation, you do not really produce much progesterone at all, mostly estrogen, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (Lutenizing Hormone which your produce not long before you ovulate). So if you took progesterone at the wrong time, it could really mess up your cycles.

So I took the clomid (I took it from day 3-7 at the start of my cycle). I then used OPKs to predict when ovulation would be. OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kit) is a pee on the stick. You do it around 10am-8pm. It is good to make sure you have not had much to drink for a few hours. When the two lines on the stick are the same colour, it means you will most likely ovulate within 12-48 hours. An OPK measures LH (lutenizing hormone). Because LH peaks 12-48 hours before ovulation, this is a good indicator of when we will release an egg. My husband and I followed this. I also got a blood test about 8 days after ovulation to confirm ovulation. The blood test will check for progesterone. If progesterone is around 20 or more they are happy and think you ovulated as the progesterone is an indicator that your body is in the luteal phase. Getting this test done too close to ovulation could leave you without answers as your body needs at least 5 days for the progesterone to climb. My level came back at 48 so I was happy.

October 2009 - 4 days later I did a pregnancy test. It was a digital one and it said 'pregnant'. Oh those gorgeous words. Oh how I love thee. I was so excited to see those words! I was already on the progesterone pessaries so I felt at ease. I went and got a blood test to measure my hcg levels. Yep, definitely knocked up! I had another blood test 1 week later. I did the calculations. Yep, the levels were doubling every 32 hours! I had another blood test another week later. They were still continuing to double every 32-38 hours! I was thrilled! I had another blood test 1 week later. I was 7 weeks pregnant. I rang up for the results at work. The nurse told me the numbers. I was losing the baby. I lost it. Completely. My boss had to calm me down and let me have the rest of the week off. I had to go and have an ultrasound the next day. As if finding out that losing your baby again wasn't hard enough. Seeing that I was supposed to have twins shattered me. I went home and sobbed. Then I turned numb. Completely numb. I lost the babies naturally. It was horrific to say the least. I can barely type the words without crying.

To jump a few months ahead. I saw a new fertility specialist. He came to my town every few months but works in Sydney. I liked him immediately. He did lots of tests on me and my husband. My husband has enough sperm to repopulate the world and had no DNA breakage issues. Check! They did a HSG on me, where they put a catheter inside my uterus, while I am awake, and put dye in there. They check my tubes to make sure they are not blocked. They check for any fibroids, abnormal shaped uterus, scarring of any kind, polyps, you name it. I get told I have a gorgeous uterus. Check! You know you want a baby desperately when being told you have a gorgeous uterus means more to you than being told you are beautiful!

Then the fertility specialist wanted to know what my uterus lining was doing after ovulation (before my period) and to see how thick it was. Around ovulation, they like to see a lining thickness of about 8mm or more. 8-12mm is considered good. So my lining was checked. Uh oh. My lining was only 4mm thick. I knew this couldn't be good. I go back and have an appointment in March 2010 with the fertility specialist. He seems to think this is why I am continuing to lose the pregnancies. In a way I am happy to find this news out. Let's fix it and move on and have a baby! Nope. More bad news. Fixing endometrium lining can be very difficult, he tells me. There is little information out there about this condition and it doesn't really have a name. It looks as though the 4 D&C's from my first miscarriage have done this to me. My lining was thick with my first pregnancy. I. Am. Not. Happy.

So my fertility specialist basically says that IVF is my best chance as the drugs may improve my lining. I can't just take the drugs and have sex as the chance of multiples is way too high and dangerous. So, as soon as I get my period, I'll be starting my first IVF cycle. Scared? Hell yes! It doesn't help that I'll have to drive 5.5 hours each way just to get the IVF procedure done. I am told that there is a good chance that IVF will still not help me and that surrogacy may be my only option. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I started my IVF journey in April 2010. I'll be back later to fill you in on the lovely experiences of needles, more dildo cams, speculums, needles in my va-jayjay, hormone swings and many more wonderful things you deal with when doing IVF.