My husband woke up last night at about 2am to find me crying. He is not supposed to see or hear me that way. I usually cry myself to sleep late in the night (early in the morning) most nights. He was horrified. When I told him to go back to sleep, that I am fine and that I do this most nights, he didn't say anything. He just hugged me. Then he told me he was sorry. I said that he doesn't need to be sorry. Then, I think for the first time ever, he said to me "they were my babies too and I am sorry this is happening." He usually associates the babies with me. This was the first time that he 'owned' the babies, too.
I cry most nights for lots of reasons. To say it in a raw manner without using 'prettier' words, I cry first and foremost because my 6 babies are dead. I will never get to see them smile for the first time. I will never get to hold them, read them a story, watch them take their first steps. Watch them with love while they play with the man who is their daddy. I will never get to give them their first Christmas or birthday present. I can't take them to their first day of school and get teary as I leave them there. My husband tries to tell me that we will have our own baby one day. That we will get to do all of those things. I suppose constant disappointment takes that hope away from me. For starters, maybe my body will continue to fail. Maybe I will never have a child. I can't imagine myself with a big, round belly like I used to once think. That thought has faded and it seems to be out of reach in my mind. Also, it is not just about future babies. It is about the babies we did have. The babies that were suppose to be ours. Now. Living.
My sister in law sent me a picture message of her boys by the Christmas tree. I know there is no harm in doing this for a 'normal' person who does not hate themselves or feel like a failure, but it was the worst thing to see this morning. I am reminded that my first baby angel, who would be over 2 years of age now, will not join us at Christmas. My 2nd and 3rd angels would have been 14 and 12 months. My twins just 6 months old. Instead, I have yet again, another Christmas, childless. My sister in law's children will be there at Christmas, one of them was born around the time my angel was due. My husband's cousin's children will be there at Christmas also. They had a daughter this year on the EXACT same day as my EDD (expected due date) for my twins. Which also happens to be my birthday. So she is only 6 months old. Christmas will be difficult. Most people who have never endured fertility problems just assume you should suck it up and get on with it. Easy for them to say when they have their own children to hug every night. I still remember when my sister in law was told not to try for a baby for 2 months (and she already had 1 child) and she was complaining about the long wait. She fell pregnant as soon as the 2 months was up. So if 2 months can feel like forever for some, several years and many losses feels like an eternity.
This is always a difficult time of year. Not only emotionally, but this year we are noticing the lack of money. Failed IVF cycles not only leaves you with a hole in your heart, but also in your pocket. We were with a private clinic which apparently, is the most expensive in my state. The price difference going through the public system is huge, but you notice the difference with waiting times and things being followed up.
Every night that I cry, I feel so awful. Not only because of my own problems, but because I am crying in a comfortable bed and although we have debt from IVF, our mortgage, etc, we will get there in the end and eventually pay it off and yet, there are people in this world with problems far worse than my own. I feel terrible that I am being so deeply absorbed with my own issues and that I have never felt darker in my life. I should try and be thankful for what I do have. There is so much to be thankful for. It's just difficult when you don't have a tiny human in your life to remind you about all the good things in this world.
Oh sweetie *hugs*. You say he is not supposed to see you that way - yes, yes he should.. You do not have to bear this alone, you shouldn't bear this alone, even if you feel alone in it all. He needs to know how you fell - and how you try to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteI know its easy for me to type these things but as hard as I am sure it is to try to tell him, for your own sake, and his, he needs to know :)
Don't think I am criticising, I hope it doesn't come across that way ( I definitely don't mean it to) but I hurt for you when I read that you are shouldering all this pain alone and I desperately want for you to feel some relief - even though I know that is almost impossible..
You deserve all the support in the world, and I wish there were some way I could give you more. I'm always here xox
Shayne is completely right. And as your husband pointed out - they were his babies too, so he lost them as well.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand not wanting to let him see you like he did but that's you and you're hurting and you need support.
And as for your problems comparing to others. Problems are all relative to the person that they are happening to - what's big for one person, might be small for another and vice versa!
Big hugs and know you're not alone during this journey...
~x~
I was also going to say exactly what Miss Ruby said about problems being relative. I whinge all the time and comparitively I have nothing to worry about and lots to be thankful for.
ReplyDeleteYou are completely entitled to be angry, upset and disapointed with what life has dished up to you sometimes!
Hi
ReplyDeleteI followed your link from EB and have read a few of your posts. I always feel heartbroken reading them and wish that when i open it up i will see some good news. I only had a small hiccup concieving but will never forget that fear and desperation i felt. I cant begin to imagine your pain :(
Please dont feel guilty at being sad your pain is real and you shouldnt have to hide it. I hope you dont mind me checking in on here.
Take care
Karly
Thank you for your posts. I appreciate your thoughts.
ReplyDeleteKarly, I don't mind at all that you comment on my blog. Thank you for your lovely words. Sometimes, something small like your comment is enough to lift my mood for a few hours. There is something comforting knowing that I can share my inner most thoughts without worrying about what I say. I know my family and IRL friends won't find my blog so I am happy to keep writing.
Shayne and Miss Ruby, you are right. I need to open up to my husband but I find it difficult letting him see me weak. I don't ever want him to get sick of seeing me crying and being fragile. I need to work on getting over this. xxx
Your post made me cry, Manda. I so wish that I could do some magic to give both you and I a baby. I can't begin to imagine how you cope with what you've been through and what you're still going through. Although BFN after BFN is devastating, loss after loss must be so much worse. Have you tried counselling? I've tried two (not very helpful) and am trying a third later this week.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I think guilt about feeling sad is a normal part of depression and I understand that. BUT I think you have every right to feel as sad as you do. It would be abnormal not to. Any woman, no matter what her circumstances, no matter what other horrific events she's experienced in her life, would find it beyond heart-breaking to be in your situation.
There are lots of wise words in the previous comments, so I will just tell you that are in my thoughts. (you too senecio) Take care.
ReplyDeleteHunny, your angels and you & M will be in my prayers this Christmas.
ReplyDeleteThe world will continue to spin madly on while you grieve for what might have been.
I wish I could stop it for you.
Love, Justice xoxo
hugs to you, I have just been reading and crying as I read. I hope and pray that you do become a mummy one day xx
ReplyDelete