I would like to announce the arrival of...

Patrick! He was born 27th October at 8.44pm. A very long labour but worth every bit of pain and every stitch!

He was 51cms long, head circumference of 37cm (ouch!) and 8.8lbs. We love our chubby bubby!


I was not prepared to to feel this much love. I knew I would love him, but the amount I feel is overwhelming. It is the most amazing feeling. I just look at him and start crying. Even the way he does a poo is perfect!

I'm Still Here.

Hello everyone.

Sorry it has been so long (yet again). I can't believe it is already October. Time seems to be flying.

I am now 36 weeks pregnant. I am starting to get very uncomfortable, often crying from pain, severe reflux, cramps, etc especially at night. When people ask me how I am feeling I usually tell them I am great. I feel like I have no right to complain. To be honest though, being in the third trimester is hard on your body, but what I went through to try and get pregnant is much harder. In comparison, pregnancy is the easy part.

I find I am getting very emotional lately. One minute I am laughing, the next minute I am crying. I am also keeping an eye on my old internet buddy group. I was in a Long Haul IVF buddy group. I get very emotional over the fact that some of the girls are still there. I think it is so cruel as these women would be amazing mothers. If I have a friend that complains because it took her a few months to get pregnant, or even just 2 clomid cycles, I can't help but feel angry because I know the women from my old buddy group are really suffering. I wish there was something I could do to help them. Hopefully if anyone from my old buddy group reads this, I hope I haven't upset you by writing this.

I am getting very big lately, but I don't really care. I realise I'll have some weight to lose after the baby is born but I am okay with that. I am now getting nervous about the birth. Not just the pain or the unknown, but I am anxious over the baby being born healthy and okay. I feel little Basil move around all the time and even when the kicks or squirms really hurt, I still really enjoy them (which may sound strange to some).

I am also having small panic attacks over things like whooping cough. I have heard some terrible stories lately, and I know some people in my life will think I am being over the top but I will not feel comfortable with just anyone picking up the baby for the first few weeks (maybe months!). I know certain people will have things to say about me behind my back, but as the midwife keeps saying, I have to do what is right for me and not worry about what others think.

I don't have a bump shot today. I will try and upload one in the next week.

I hope you are all well. xxx

Remember me?

Sorry it has been a while.

I have been busy working, thinking about the baby, going to appointments, etc.

I am almost 29 weeks now. I can feel Basil (that is what we have called the baby for now) all the time. I love it, although I do get anxious if I don't feel movement for a while. Basil has also been getting the hiccups.

I have starting buying bits and pieces, but still need to organise quite a bit. I still have 7 weeks left of work. I am so exhausted! I have low iron, don't sleep much and teach kinder! So I love trying to rest when I can.

I still keep worrying about Basil being safe, healthy etc. I don't think it will ever go away.

Here is most recent bump pic from about 28 weeks.

A bittersweet day

Two posts in two days. Wow. I'm doing well.

Today is my birthday. I am happy that for this birthday I have got the most special gift of all. My beautiful baby who is kicking around as I write.

Unfortunately, my birthday also marks the expected due date for my twins. They would be turning 1.

Today, I am filled with all sorts of emotions. One minute I'm happy, the next minute I'm crying. I suppose it doesn't help that my husband more or less forgot it was my birthday.

Time for a picture

I am now almost 22 weeks pregnant.

The baby has been moving quite a bit and even my husband has felt a kick. I am completely in love.

Here is a pic from when I was 14 weeks.

Here is a pic from when I was 21 weeks

My husband and I have started looking at and ordering a cot, pram, bassinet, etc. It still feels very surreal and although I am excited, I still get worried.

My OB is treating me high risk. She has called this pregnancy 'extra precious' and will be keeping a closer eye on me.

I have been so vague the last few months. I am so forgetful, have lost interest in house work. Even reading and TV shows don't seem as exciting. Life has been a blur.

Where does the time go?

Sorry about the big gap between posts lately! I feel like life has been busy!

Firstly, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has commented on my posts. You have all had such kind and wonderful things to say. It really means a lot to me.

Today, I had my morphology scan. It was incredible seeing the baby again. He/she is SO much bigger! He/she was kicking around, then crouching into a ball, then doing flips! He/she has been moving so much too. It's amazing feeling all of the kicks. How can I be so utterly in love with a little human I have never met?

My husband came to the scan. It was very special for us!

I'm starting to get a big belly now (I will post a picture soon)! I can't believe I'm pretty much half way through my pregnancy!

I'm still worried about things going wrong, but it is wonderful hearing good news today.

Thanks again, everyone, for supporting me through this journey so far. Let me tell you, I've needed it!

An update.

Sorry it's been so long. I've been so busy and distracted.

I had my first midwife appointment a couple of days ago (at 15 weeks) and we heard the baby's heart beat via the doppler for the first time. It was incredible and so precious.

I still worry but to be honest, I think it's normal mummy worry. Just because I worry doesn't mean I'm not enjoying the pregnancy. It just means I care about this baby and love them so much.

Somebody pinch me.

I just went for my '12 week' scan.

Baby measured spot on for dates (12w4d) and the technician said everything looks 'normal'.

I seriously don't know what to feel. A huge part of me felt relief. Now, I feel worried again as I feel like I have so much to lose now. The baby was kicking its legs, rolling around and had all of its organs in place. I love the baby so much and this feeling overwhelms me so much that at times I cry because of the love I feel for him/her.

It's funny, because I know some people can find out the sex at this scan but it didn't even occur to me to ask. I don't care if the baby is a boy or girl,  I just want them to be safe and healthy.

How do I describe this feeling?

I have just been for another ultrasound. I was supposed to measure 10 weeks and 1 day but I'm measuring 10 weeks and 3 days! The heart was beating strong, there was longer limbs, a more defined face (nose, chin, forehead etc) and the baby was moving around and using mummy's uterus as a slippery dip!

Of course I am still worried about everything that could go wrong, but seeing my baby there, moving around, well... the word 'happy' doesn't cut it. My husband was amazed. We both looked at the screen with adoring eyes.

I wish I could feel confident, but all I seem to do is worry about the what ifs. What if my cervix shortens early? Why happens if there isn't enough blood supply going to the placenta?

Thank you for all the support so far. I've really needed it and will continue to need it! It means a lot to me.

Holding on tight.

A lot has happened since I posted last.

4 days after my first ultrasound I found myself at the hospital as the bleeding increased. I had another ultrasound and was told that I had a hematoma (clot) in the uterus and that is what is causing the bleeding. I was told to have bed rest for a week as it can make chances of miscarriage higher.

Today (10 days after been about the clot) I had another ultrasound. The baby is measuring almost spot on for dates (8 weeks and 2 days - 1 day ahead) and a heart rate of 186. Of course I worried that the heart rate was too fast but Dr Google told me that there has been no evidence of increased risk with a high heart rate, and that around this point in the pregnancy, the heart rate peaks at its fastest and slowly starts to decline until it reaches its average. Of course, I still worry!

I am getting some whopper bruises from the clexane injections and hair growth on my face has increased big time from the steroids! In all honesty, I don't care. I would do anything for this baby.

And the spotting continues...

I am still getting brown discharge.

It worries me to no end. Every time I go to the toilet, it is there. Staring at me in the face.

How could I possibly think things would be different given my history?

Limbo Land

I just got back from my doctor's office. My hormone levels are where they should be.

I just have to keep breathing.

I. Hate. Blood.

I started getting light brown discharge last night when I wipe. This is how it started with my other miscarriages. I can't stop crying. I'm preparing for the worst.

I feel terrible as my sister in law, her husband and two kids (aged 2 and 4) were going to stay with us this weekend. I just sent her a text explaining my situation and that I don't feel like seeing anyone (not to mention extra housework, being around little kids, doing my injections, and having a lowered immune system from the steroids). If I am losing the baby, the last thing I feel like is entertaining. I'm in no state to be around anyone. I feel like a terrible sister in law, but I am usually an obliging person. This time, I have been told by a few people to be selfish and do what is right for me. So, I am.

I'm still in shock.

I had another restless night last night. I was so worried about disappearing symptoms, cramps, etc. I decided to take today off work as I could not function.

DH came home from work (a 50km drive) and took me to an ultrasound as I was a nutcase. Taking all these drugs, injections, etc and just not knowing if everything is okay after 5 miscarriages is just too much.

I cried. I cried my eyes out when I saw the screen. A heartbeat. A heartbeat of 120 beats per minute and measuring about 6 weeks and 1 day (about a day behind by my dates). I know I am far from being out of the 'danger' zone but it was such a big moment for my husband and me. We have never seen a heartbeat before. Even my husband was amazed and said it was worth him driving home for. I know I won't continue to stop worrying, that is just who I am (and have become) but I feel like I might at least relax for the next 2-3 hours.

Hanging by a thread.

I had 2 hours sleep last night. 2 hours! There are 2 reasons for this. The first one being that I worry about this pregnancy to no end. I scrutinize every twinge and every symptom. The second reason is because the steroids pump me up. I am a maniac. My poor husband!

I have continued to do pregnancy tests. I am sending myself insane (which the steroids are doing to me too). The line isn't getting any darker any more. Then I try and convince myself that pregnancy tests have to reach their maximum point of darkness. Then my rational side disappears and I am a nutcase all over again.

I have had a few cramps today which have freaked me out. I actually told my first 'in real life' friend today about this pregnancy. I know that she will be supportive if something goes wrong.

I wish I could be happy and excited but all I feel is fear and worry.

Here we go again. The word 'scared' is an understatement...

I am scared. I have been having panic attacks. I can't sleep at night. I am moody. I shake every now and then. I tell myself that I should not be happy because this never ends well. This is what I am talking about: (see pic below)'

I am about 5 weeks and 2 days pregnant. A crazy story is behind it. I went to my new specialist about 11 days ago. He discussed new treatment, how I would have to come  back down for a nurses appointment (it is a 6 hour drive) and then I would commence IVF. I would have to take a steroid to help with the NK cells during an IVF cycle as well as inject clexane (blood thinner) and use progesterone pessaries. We decided to stay in Sydney for a few nights with family after the appointment. That night, after the appointment, I did not feel right. I realised that my period had not shown up. I did a pregnancy test and was shocked to see a super faint second line. I did not think much of it and decided to go to bed, thinking it was a false positive as it was so faint. I woke up and did another test. The second line was darker.

We got in the car and went back to the clinic. They tested my blood which confirmed I was pregnant. But early. I was also given all of my 'drugs'. He said it was a bit late to be taking them but better to start taking them from that point than not at all.

So I have been a mess. Analysing my symptoms (or lack of), obsessing over pregnancy test lines and convinced they are not getting darker. I am also worried as this was an 'accident' so to speak, so we did not have a chance to thicken the lining. I also thought I would torture myself some more and decided to buy the digital pregnancy test that predcits how pregnant you are. I did it today. It is saying I am between 4-5 weeks and I am actually over 5 weeks so of course, now I am almost convinced I am losing the baby.

I had blood drawn again last Thursday (6 days after the first blood test) and my hcg levels are rising okay at the moment but I am far from getting the all clear. I have another blood test this Thursday which I am so incredibly anxious about, as it is around the same time I have got confirmation with other pregnancies that I am infact miscarrying.

I just don't know how to stay sane. I have to remind myself that it is out of my control and I can't change anything. I am so scared about this Thursday. I remember the feeling too well. "I am so sorry, your levels show you are going to miscarry". Then I fall into a mess and can't stop crying for days.

If I know you in real life or on Facebook, please do not say anything. I am refraining from telling people as the chance of me losing this baby is very high. I know my blog is open to the world but so far no one I know has found my blog unless I have told them about it myself. I was considerating not writing anything on here but realised that defeats the purpose as I started my blog purely to help me release my inner thoughts so I would not go insane. Letting this out has given me some relief as I am feeling scared and lonely at the moment. My husband and mum have been amazing but my blog allows me to describe how I am truly feeling and not just put on a brave face.

When feeling sad... SHOP!

I went to the GP last week and was told I have Alopecia. This is what is causing me to lose my hair in spots. It could be linked to stress, hormone levels or an auto-immune issue. Or all of the above (because, come on, we are talking about me here!) I am currently on a steroid cream but my GP could not reassure me as he said I may get more bald spots and he can't be certain the hair will grow back.

In the meantime, I have bought lots of new things and even had a bit of pampering. I had a mani and pedi the day of my GP appointment to help cheer me up. I also bought new shoes. These are no ordinary shoes. These shoes are sexy! They have a personality of their own. Okay, maybe not, but they definitely make me feel like I am a celebrity when I wear them. Picture below.

Then mum did my hair in a way so you can't see my bald spot. I was sporting the messy, bed hair look - half up half down. It didn't look too bad and my hair actually goes to my belly button so it is very long. I love my mum! We then all went out for dinner, drinks and dancing. Gosh, it felt good! For the first time in awhile, I really just had a good night and was happy.

So you are probably wondering what else I have purchased? I also bought VERY expensive shampoo, conditioner and scalp therapy. It's *supposed* to thicken hair.

I also bought a Kobo wifi ereader. Yay! I love to read and have wanted an ereader for ages. I was going to get the Kindle or Sony, but the Kobo had an awesome sale on and I could not resist. It will take awhile to deliver (it is coming from the States) but here is a pic I found.

I, of course, got the purple (lilac) one.
I have also purchased a new iPhone cover, 3 new bras, two new tops and a new pair of eyeglasses! Naughty me! I must admit, it has cheered me up a bit. I also try to remind myself that I am lucky that I am in a position that I can purchase such things.

Well, it is time to go and watch episode 2, Season 5 of Big Love. I love this show! Nothing like a TV show about polygamists trying to live in civilisation and family feuds!

Thank you to everyone who gives me ongoing support through your comments on my blog. These comments always mean a lot to me and touch me deeply. It is so lovely that people out there care about my situation and it makes me feel lucky during the difficult circumstances I am dealt.

I'm even less of a woman than I was before...

Just a quick post from me tonight. It is 2am and I can't sleep as I am crying my eyes out like a baby (probably not the best way for someone like me to put it).

I noticed spikey bits of hair on the crown of my head. I looked in the mirror and there is a bald patch bigger than a 50 cent piece. It looks disgusting. I have been crying so much that I nearly vomited. As if I already don't feel like a failure as a woman, now I get to go bald.

I am so scared that I will go bald all over and my husband will refuse to be with me. Why would he stay with me? I won't look like a woman and my body doesn't act like a woman's.

I've tried covering the bald spot with my hair but the bald spot shines on through. I look like an old guy with a bad comb-over.

I wish I could stop crying, forget about it, and go to sleep, but I can't. I don't want to face the world. I feel so unattractive. The thing is, my hair is (was) one of my best features.

My wonder dog

I was reading over some of my old posts and realised I said I would post a picture of my dog, Milly. Well here she is! The photo in the middle is when she was a young puppy.

The amount of times that Milly has cheered me up after a rough day/week/year is incredible. She always makes me smile and seems to sense when I am sad, showing me even more affection than usual (which is still quite a lot on a 'normal' day). She is so loyal and always feels the need to protect me. I am so lucky to have my husband and Milly in my life.

Sorry I haven't posted much. Christmas and the new year have been busy. I am also still getting my head around the Natural Killer Cells. Hopefully, I will be able to write a 'proper' post soon.

Natural Killer Cells. Say what?

My biopsy results are back. I begged the nurse to tell me the results over the phone. She was very lovely and said she'd get a doctor to ring back as the results are difficult to interpret.

I found out I have elevated Natural Killer (NK) Cells. I really thought I would not have them and that thin lining was my only issue. So I was shocked to hear the news. Basically, these cells are normal and fight off nasty things, etc. In my case, because I have an elevated amount in my uterus, there is a possibility that these cells are attacking my babies, which in return, makes me miscarry.

To treat this you are put on a type of steroid. Stupid me went to Dr Google and now I am scared senseless. Not only will I look like a hairy, big bellied, acne faced lady (or should I say man), but there is a chance this medication can harm a baby, causing a high cleft palete, along with other issues. The latter is my main concern. I think I've already proven I would do anything to have a baby.

On top of that, the steroid may not fix the problem and things may not get better. I have to ensure I am prepared for that. You think I'd be used to disappointment but it is something that I never seem to get the hang of.

In the middle of the night...

My husband woke up last night at about 2am to find me crying. He is not supposed to see or hear me that way. I usually cry myself to sleep late in the night (early in the morning) most nights. He was horrified. When I told him to go back to sleep, that I am fine and that I do this most nights, he didn't say anything. He just hugged me. Then he told me he was sorry. I said that he doesn't need to be sorry. Then, I think for the first time ever, he said to me "they were my babies too and I am sorry this is happening." He usually associates the babies with me. This was the first time that he 'owned' the babies, too.

I cry most nights for lots of reasons. To say it in a raw manner without using 'prettier' words, I cry first and foremost because my 6 babies are dead. I will never get to see them smile for the first time. I will never get to hold them, read them a story, watch them take their first steps. Watch them with love while they play with the man who is their daddy. I will never get to give them their first Christmas or birthday present. I can't take them to their first day of school and get teary as I leave them there. My husband tries to tell me that we will have our own baby one day. That we will get to do all of those things. I suppose constant disappointment takes that hope away from me. For starters, maybe my body will continue to fail. Maybe I will never have a child. I can't imagine myself with a big, round belly like I used to once think. That thought has faded and it seems to be out of reach in my mind. Also, it is not just about future babies. It is about the babies we did have. The babies that were suppose to be ours. Now. Living.

My sister in law sent me a picture message of her boys by the Christmas tree. I know there is no harm in doing this for a 'normal' person who does not hate themselves or feel like a failure, but it was the worst thing to see this morning. I am reminded that my first baby angel, who would be over 2 years of age now, will not join us at Christmas. My 2nd and 3rd angels would have been 14 and 12 months. My twins just 6 months old. Instead, I have yet again, another Christmas, childless. My sister in law's children will be there at Christmas, one of them was born around the time my angel was due. My husband's cousin's children will be there at Christmas also. They had a daughter this year on the EXACT same day as my EDD (expected due date) for my twins. Which also happens to be my birthday. So she is only 6 months old. Christmas will be difficult. Most people who have never endured fertility problems just assume you should suck it up and get on with it. Easy for them to say when they have their own children to hug every night. I still remember when my sister in law was told not to try for a baby for 2 months (and she already had 1 child) and she was complaining about the long wait. She fell pregnant as soon as the 2 months was up. So if 2 months can feel like forever for some, several years and many losses feels like an eternity.

This is always a difficult time of year. Not only emotionally, but this year we are noticing the lack of money. Failed IVF cycles not only leaves you with a hole in your heart, but also in your pocket. We were with a private clinic which apparently, is the most expensive in my state. The price difference going through the public system is huge, but you notice the difference with waiting times and things being followed up.

Every night that I cry, I feel so awful. Not only because of my own problems, but because I am crying in a comfortable bed and although we have debt from IVF, our mortgage, etc, we will get there in the end and eventually pay it off and yet, there are people in this world with problems far worse than my own. I feel terrible that I am being so deeply absorbed with my own issues and that I have never felt darker in my life. I should try and be thankful for what I do have. There is so much to be thankful for. It's just difficult when you don't have a tiny human in your life to remind you about all the good things in this world.

The road trip of pain!

I'm back!

My husband and I left for Sydney at about 7.30am on Tuesday 23rd November. I had to get a blood test done first to test for pregnancy. If I was pregnant, they would have cancelled my biopsy. My husband and I thought "stuff it" and rather than waiting for results, we thought we'd go to Sydney straight after the test so we could get there at a reasonable hour. I knew I wouldn't be pregnant anyway.

We arrived in Sydney at about 1pm and checked in to our 5 star hotel! Nothing like living it up to take your mind off an upcoming procedure.

That night, my brother came over and stayed as we were upgraded to a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom deluxe suite. Nice! We went out to dinner to an amazing place called Sailors Thai. It is located at The Rocks/Circular Quay. To use to word 'delicious' is still an insult to the food. It was incredible. It was not your normal run of the mill Thai. It was very different to any Thai food I have had (and I have had my fair share!). We also walked along the King St Wharf and a certain band caught my eye. The band were doing amazing covers of James Blunt songs. Hang on. It took me about a minute to realise. It was James Blunt! He was over for the TV show 'X Factor' and he was playing at a pub that wasn't overly busy so it was very surreal.

The next day, I went for my appointment. I was right. Not pregnant. Okay, now for the scary stuff. A few people had told me that an endometrial biopsy was not that bad so I was not as scared as I first was. I had been through many procedures before and was okay with them (well, as okay as you can be). The nurses were gorgeous. My doctor who did the procedure was lovely also.

First, my doctor inserted a speculum. Then she inserted a catheter. The catheter got stuck in my cervix and had to be pushed through so I was in agonising pain. Once that was through, I thought that would be the worst (I was teary by that stage). When she performed the biopsy part, it really really hurt. I did not think it would be that awful! It took her about 1 minute to get the sample. Oh how that minute when so slow! Then, my vision started going blurry as I couldn't handle the pain. The next thing... black! I passed out! Not for very long. My blood pressure dropped significantly, then I had to be monitored until they thought I was okay to leave! Trust me to have a different experience to others! I find 'straight forward' things always go crazy with me. You only need to refer to my blog to know that!

I was cramping quite a lot after the procedure and had to take some pain killers. They didn't do much! After the cramping settled down, my husband took me on the ferry to a German pub where we had an awesome lunch. We went out for another fancy dinner that night. I was being super spoilt! My husband also felt bad for me and came back from the shops with a Hugo Boss carry on bag, perfume and moisturiser! Lucky me!

The results won't be ready for 2 weeks, yet I won't find out until next year as they will not discuss results over the phone! So another 11 hour round trip for me soon. Argh. I might beg and ask if they'd consider giving me a phone consult. They are not taking any appointments now and I can't make the appointment until next year anyway! One of the downsides with saying goodbye to the private clinic and moving over to the public. They have been great in many ways but the wait is painful.

Anyway, so now I am seeing a local fertility specialist in 2 weeks. I don't have any real faith in him as he let me down last time. I am going in to see if I can try a few things now while I wait for my next appointment. This might be unethical to some but as some lovely ladies from my online fertility buddy group pointed out, do I really want to look back in 5 years and regret not trying everything?

Get ready for the ouch!

This Wednesday (24th November) I will be getting an endometrial biopsy in Sydney at RPA. Am I scared? Hell yes! I will not be given any pain relief or put under sedation. I will be wide awake. I have no idea what to expect. My blood tests have stopped for now. Phew! I will need to get another one on Tuesday, though.

We will be driving to Sydney (as I have mentioned, it is about 5.5 hours by car or 7 hours by bus). My husband and I are trying to see it as time away (even though I am anxious) so we have booked into a 5 star hotel. Our bank balance can't really afford it after the out of pocket expenses of IVF but I think we deserve to give this to ourselves.

I am not sure how long it takes to test the sample from the biopsy. They are looking for NK Killer cells (cells that attack anything foreign and if there are an excess of cells, they can attack a growing fetus). I don't think I have these cells but I suppose it is good to rule it out. I still believe I am miscarrying due to my thin lining. I was, however, considering doing PGD IVF for my next cycle. This is when they test the embryos at a certain stage (obviously before transferring one back) for several genetic disorders.

Not much else to report. I am starting to feel better after my dark period last week. I still feel thick waves of sadness but I am trying to deal with it more constructively. Thank you to those people who offered support and kind words.

Zombies are real.

My husband called me a zombie today and I must say, it hurt my feelings.

He wanted to go and watch a movie together at the cinema. The old me would have loved to but I hate going out of the house if I do not need to on the weekends. He doesn't understand me not wanting to go because really, in his mind, I am doing the same thing at home. Watching TV shows. To me, watching TV shows while in bed is escaping reality alone. With others around, being a part of my 'escape world', it reminds me it is all pretend.

My husband is also concerned because I do not get out of my PJ's until 2pm or so on weekends if we are not leaving the house. Now all I feel is like a lazy, unsociable slob. I feel guilt, too. Guilt because I am not the same as when he first married me. I am the broken version. All I want to do is stay in bed, watch TV and escape my reality. I can feel depression creeping up. I know I should see a counsellor but I do not want to. I seriously have no idea what I want except that I just want to watch another episode of One Tree Hill. Nathan and Hayley are getting back together so all is right in my 'escape world'.

I can see why my husband is slightly insulting me. He is worried for me and our relationship. I know we aren't born as mind readers but I wish today he could read my mind. I wish he could see me struggling with the depth of our fertility problems. With the loss of our babies. With being childless and feeling like an old barren hag. I wish he could join the dots and realise that deep down I do not want to be a 'zombie' but my TV obsession helps kill the overwhelming pain I feel. Going out and facing the world is a reminder of my failure to be a mother. Failing to look after my unborn babies. Failing to be a woman. I wish he could just give me a hug and tell me that I'm doing well to hang on after all of these encounters. Tell me that even though I am hidden from the world, I still have strength.

I love my husband with all of my heart and I know he loves me. I just wish he could be inside my body for an hour and see that my coping mechanisms are far better than other available options out there.

Got blood?

My blood tests have started. My first one required 14 tubes of blood. The lady was wiggling the needle by the end as my blood flow was slowing down. I am already sick of them! I have to be there by 7am and I am thrown because my husband either starts work at 5am or gets home at 4.30am after a night shift so I am lacking in the sleep department. It looks like my endometrial biopsy will be towards the end of the month (in Sydney).
Lately I have been feeling really down. Almost ready to give up. Travelling back and forth to Sydney (which is about 5.5 hours or more away) is doing my head in. I don't have any energy anymore. I am starting to doubt myself and think that if my failure of a body has not given me a baby by now then it probably never will. I have tried to be strong the last few years but my strength is wearing thin.

I have Dexter, Desperate Housewives, Brothers & Sisters and One Tree Hill to watch tonight so hopefully that will distract me for a while. I can't even go to a supermarket these days without having a mini anxiety attack because my angels aren't here with me and yet, I am surrounded by so many women and their gorgeous bumps and babies. It's depressing to say the least.

I heart my home.

Here are some before and after pictures of my home. Keep in mind my house is not overly big, it is very old (about 95 years) but I just love it!

Here are some pictures of BEFORE. They are of the lounge room, back living area, kitchen, guest bedroom and a door/hallway.

Here are some AFTER pictures.

 All the slate was ripped up in our back room and replaced with floorboards. I'm a floorboard kinda gal.

 Our built ins that we added.

 This is our kitchen. We have not renovated it yet. I just changed the colour, changed the handles, painted the overhanging cupboards are brighter white and added blinds and took down the curtains. We have (since this photo) added a nicer hanging light like the ones in the rest of the house (a chrome one).

 Excuse the vacuum cleaner. Can you see Milly at the doorway?

When we renovate our kitchen, we are looking at something like this.

OR

Obviously the lay out in our kitchen is different but I love these cupboards, drawers, handles, bench tops, etc.

So there you have it. I know it's not perfect, but we are slowly getting there. I find when you do bits and pieces at a time, you really appreciate your house and don't take all the changes for granted. I love that our house is constantly changing and reflecting our (well, my) taste. I feel like our home tells a story, both past and present.

It's not often you can relate to a celebrity...

I stumbled across some sad news this morning. Lily Allen has had her 2nd loss of a baby and this time it was at about 6 months. How devastating for her :-( As strange as this might sound, it is somehow comforting being able to relate to a celebrity when their lives seem to be so perfect so much of the time. When I read the story this morning, my heart really broke for her. Nothing in the world can take away the pain and suffering she or many other women endure (like myself) after such a sad encounter.

I might say a little prayer for her 2 angels, my 6 angels and all the other angels out there.

http://news.ninemsn.com.au/entertainment/8116783/singer-lily-allen-loses-baby

Finally, November is here!

Not that I am usually one to wish the time away, but I am happy sad October is over. All over Red Rover. I lost my twins last year in October and 1 of my angels was due in October 2008 and another angel was due in October 2009. So, as you can see, October is a horrible, horrible month. I also dislike my birthday now because the twins were due on this day. Hopefully one day, these sad dates that are so clear in my mind will become foggy.

Today my blood test referrals showed up in the mail, ready for my endometrial biopsy (where they take some of my lining while I am awake - ouch!) It looks like I will have to have a blood test every day for about 20 days. WHAT?! Yep, 20 days. *Sigh* You think I would be used to being a pin cushion by now but I think you never truly do. I have had so much blood taken from me, I feel like a vampire's (preferably Eric, Damon, Stefan on Emmett's) play toy. My fertility specialist can not tell me when my biopsy is yet as it all depends on the days of my cycle and what my hormones are doing. They need to do the biopsy about 2 days before my period begins.

A few days ago (pretty much on angel # 1's birthday) I got my period. My husband and I tried falling pregnant naturally this cycle. Just hoping that something magical might happen in the world and I might fall pregnant and not miscarry. So, when my period showed up I was devastated that the universe was not listening and so against me. I had a massive meltdown and then had to babysit my 2 nephews (aged 18 months and 4 years) that day. They stayed for 3 days. Kind of bad timing but I sucked it up and did my aunt duties. They are gorgeous boys and I love them them to bits. I am a bit of a clean freak so I was finding it a bit stressful when they were going crazy in the house, fingers on everything, my lovely suede lounge now stained with milk, banana and dirt, finger prints all over my glass french doors, poo explosions, wetting the bed, etc! Eeeeek! It's funny (and depressing) though. I went into mummy mode. I thought I'd be hopeless but I knew what to do. I haven't spent lots of time with them (they are my husband's sister's kids) but they really warmed to me. The 18 month old clinged to me and even called me mum. Gorgeous but a kick in the teeth. Apparently my body has no idea how to be a mum. After my 3 days with the boys, I really do have a new found respect for mothers. It really is a full time gig (they are not lying) but I can also see why it would be the most rewarding job in the world. Even though things can get hectic, having your own child to love would be the most awesome experience I can think of. Some days, I completely hate the world for robbing me of that. Especially when there are people out there who seem to care very little about their children. It's not fair, I tell you!

Although it doesn't take the pain away, I have started watching (a lot of) television. Mostly following TV series. I never really watched TV much and now I am hooked. It lets me escape my reality at times and enjoy something different. I have a friend (who happens to follow me on this blog - not mentioning names though!) who likes many of the same shows, so we often text late at night, swapping notes, drooling over gorgeous vampires and plotting what will happen next. Thank God she gets my love for TV. She is often my saviour and when I have been feeling glum and then get a text to discuss the latest Vampire Diaries episode, it cheers me right up.

I think if I didn't have my vices, I would be locked in a padded room. Infertility, miscarriages and IVF is enough to make any normal person insane. Throw in the procedures, tests, me driving 6 hours each way for an appointment constantly, my hospital stays, etc and I really don't know how I turn up to work some days! I was normal. Once upon a time, I was an easy going woman who was most certainly not bitter. I'd like to know where my old self is, and if anyone sees her, can you tell her I want the old me back. I don't enjoy getting upset when friends fall pregnant after the first month or when they tell me they saw the heartbeat at an ultrasound appointment. I don't want to start crying at the supermarket because I see a little girl who would be the same age as my first angel. I don't want to scream, kick and yell in the car with the music on loudly because my friend has announced her second pregnancy and I was pregnant with my first angel a LONG time before she was pregnant with her first baby. I want to feel like me again. Luckily, I am reasonably good at sucking it up in public and smiling, being happy, etc. The thing is, I truly am happy for my friends when I find out they are pregnant, but I feel so saddened that I can still not join them on the same journey and it makes me so mad I am left behind. All because of my stupid body.

About a year after my first miscarriage and about 3-5 months after my 2nd and 3rd miscarriage, my husband and I started getting our house renovated. Another activity that helps take your mind off things. Perhaps in my next post I will post some before and after pictures. We are also now thinking about extending our home and making it much bigger. Our home is about 90 years old and I love it. Yes, some parts are worn down and very old, but I think she (the house is female) is a real beauty. It is not overly big, but it is not small either. I will dig up some pictures ready for my next post. I will also tell you a little bit about my wonder dog, Milly. The best dog in the whole world. I suppose I better find some pictures of her, too.

Thanks for listening. I really needed to get out some of my sadness that surrounds me in the month of October. Hopefully, I can try and move forward a little this month.

Manda xxx

Gosh, I love to talk... (Post # 4)

Before I get started (again! - it won't be long and I will be up to date with my journey - promise!) here are some links to information that I find helpful. They relate to hcg levels, thin lining and recurrent miscarriage.

http://www.pregnancy-calendars.net/hcg.aspx - This will give you a little more information on hcg levels (thought some people might be interested since I discussed the hcg hormone last post).

http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/content/17/5/1249.full - Some research with certain things to improve endometrium the thickness of endometrium lining.

http://www.liebertonline.com/doi/abs/10.1089/jwh.2006.15.442 - This article is about viagra improving lining (it is supposed to send more blood to the uterus).

http://miscarriage.about.com/od/twoormoremiscarriages/p/recurmisccauses.htm - This article touches on recurrent miscarriages and the different causes there are.

Two of these links were found through some lovely women on an online forum I use. An online forum can be a fantastic and great way to share knowledge with each other. Hoping that in the end, we all get our very much wanted baby.


April 2010

I started the contraceptive pill about mid April. I was told to take it for 3 weeks. Just as my 3 weeks was close to being up, I had to start an injection (in my stomach) called Lucrin. Lucrin stops your hormones from working more or less so that the fertility specialist can control my cycle to the best of his abililty. Lucrin is VERY expensive. For a 10ml bottle (tiny) is was about $305. Once I stopped the pill (but continued to inject Lucrin) I had to wait for a 'bleed'. Once that happened, I went and had a blood test. This was to check to make sure my hormones were exactly where they should be before I start the FSH injections. Everything came back great, so I started my 2nd injection. I decided to do both in the morning so I could relax at night. The Lucrin needle was a little tricky at times. I had to draw the correct amount up into the syringe. With the Puregon (FSH) it was in a pen look-a-like device. I just had to screw a new needle on every time, dial up the amount to be given (as the canular was sitting in the 'pen' and just inject, and push down on the end until it stops). The needle on the puregon pen is so super fine you can't feel it. It is most definitely my favourite needle to give! (Okay, now I sound like a needle lover!)

I got an ultrasound and was told that I am ready to have my eggs picked up (EPU) and to take my trigger shot at midnight. A trigger shot is actually synthetic hcg. It ripens the follicles/eggs and gets them ready for EPU/ovulation. They like to do EPU pretty much 35-36 hours after the trigger injection. So my EPU was at noon, a day and a half after the trigger.

My husband and I drove down to the city. This took 5.5 hours. I was getting anxious and feeling uncomfortable due to being stimulated and having so many follicles. Most women only produce one egg/one mature follicle in a natural cycle where as I had about 20 mature follicles.

We checked in to the the hotel which was close to the clinic. I was starting to have a mini freak out. So, my lovely husband decided to take me to dinner on the harbour. It was nice to forget about things, even for an hour.

The next morning I woke up and just had a long shower and a nice breakfast. I was not allowed to put anything perfumed on as perfume is not good for the eggs.

We arrived at the clinic at 11.15am. I put the lovely hospital gown on, DH put his lovely shoe covers on (that barely went over his feet) and we waited. Everyone at the clinic were soooo nice and made me feel very at ease. The scientist came in to talk to me and explained what will go on.

Many people are put under general anaesthesia for EPU's but I was not as the clinic I go to prefer not to. So I was completely awake for the whole thing. My doctor put an IV in my arm and gave me some pain medication. Once the speculum was in and the ultrasound could see my ovaries, he inserted a long needle into my vagina, which pierces the walls in order to extract (or empty) the follicles/eggs. It seems scary at first - being awake. Yet, it is so exciting as my doctor passes containers over to the scientist, who puts the containers under a microscope which is connected to a big flat screen TV. It was amazing to hear the scientist count the eggs and me being able to see them. I was almost on a high (or it could have been the drugs!).

Afterwards, I was wheeled out to recover (I felt fine, just a bit whoozy) while my husband was escorted (oh the need for a better word!) off to do his 'business' so we could fertilise the eggs. I really think my husband gets the easy part of the deal!

Not long after, the scientist comes in to tell me that they retrieved 15 eggs! Woo hoo! My doctor said his average is 6-10 so I am happy with my result. I have a weak cup of tea, get told some instructions and then go back with my husband to the hotel.

My husband has to go back home but I decide to stay as I don't want to make another trip back just 4 days later for the embryo transfer. My lovely brother looks after me at his house during that time. I started to get quite sick and could not walk well. My breathing was restricted and I looked like I was 6 months pregnant. I ring the doctor and it looks like I have OHSS (overstimulated ovaries) which can be dangerous. If you do any lifting etc you can twist an ovary. My doctor tells me I have fluid moving up to my lungs. Great. Just perfect.

I get to the day of the transfer and I am feeling slightly better. Until I am told that only 2 embryos survived. One embryo (blastocyst) was to be transferred back in me and one to be frozen. You think I would be happy but I just expected more to survive. After the transfer of the embryo, I was so upset and then the nurse (who had not taken blood much before - poor thing) couldn't get blood from one arm after putting the needle in and said she had to use the other arm. I lost it. Completely lost it. I cried like a baby. I felt so bad because the nurse thought I was upset with her and I wasn't. I was just bloated, felt awful, hormonal, sore and tired. I had been away from home for 6 days and I just wanted to leave.

Early May 2010 - My blood test to see if I was pregnant was scheduled on a Wednesday. I had to take clexane for about 12 days all up. Clexane is an injection and it is used for thinning blood. This injection is by far, the worse injection I have had out of all 4. The needles are blunt and after a few seconds the liquid really stings. My period arrived on the Monday (2 days before my blood test was due). It almost felt like I was having another miscarriage. The emotional pain was so bad. All that pain, time, money, wanting, etc... all for nothing. My mother in law found out that we were doing IVF from my sister in law (she slipped and told our secret which annoyed me!). My mother in law rang me a day before I got my period and was rude to me and basically got angry at me for not telling her about IVF and the miscarriages. She said it was her right to know. I was really upset as I believe it is my husband's and my business. No one else's. We can share it with whoever we like. She did not ask how I was. She did not care about all the miscarriages I had suffered or the emotional cycle of IVF we had just been through. She just cared that she didn't know the 'gossip'. When I got my period the next day, I couldn't help but feel a little resentful towards her. To be honest, I did not want her to know as she always says insensitive things and I did not want a reason to be upset with her as she has already given me plenty of other reasons to be upset. When I was in hospital for nearly 3 weeks all up, she only lived 10 minutes away and did not visit or phone call me once. So by me not telling her I was, in my own way, keeping the peace.

A few months passed by and my husband and I decided to use the frozen embryo. I had to take FSH for this cycle, even though there was no EPU as the doctor wanted to increase my lining. So, in August 2010, I went down to the clinic and hoped the blastocyst (day 5 embryo) would survive thawing. It did! Not only did it survive the thaw, it had starting expanding and compacting and it was also hatching. Here is a picture of the beautiful blastocyst hatching.

Once the gorgeous blast was transferred I had to take injections of clexane again. Ouch! About 5 days later I started getting positive pregnancy tests! Woo hoo!!! I was very excited as my lining got to 6.2mm this cycle, which I know is not 8mm like they want, but I have been told that full term pregnancies have occured with a lining of 5mm or more. Unfortunately, my dream was short lived and I had an early miscarriage just 5 or 6 days later. At this point, I was ready to give up.

September 2010

I started looking into adoption and fostering. The rules state that a couple can not undergo any fertility treatment while trying to adopt or foster. Agh! Why does everything have to be so difficult!

October 2010

October is an awful month for me. I have 2 angel's expected due dates in October and I lost the twins in October. I offically hate October. I can't believe I have lost 6 angels. I think about them every single day. Sometimes I get a bit sick and tired of how some people trivialise a loss or losses.

Since then I have seen a new fertility specialist who is through the public system as my husband and I do not have the money to keep going through the private clinic (as much as we love them). The new doctor wants me to get an endometrium biospy to check for NK Killer cells as these cells can kill unborn babies and cause recurrent miscarriages. These cells are usually treated with a steroid. I have to wait until my period starts, then get some blood tests. Then I'll have to have blood tests for about 20 days straight to make sure I get the biopsy done at the right time. I think the biopsy will be roughly in a months time. I am nervous to have the biopsy but after the new doctor looked at all of my notes and previous files (there were heaps) she said "after what you have been through, the biospy will be easy for you." Hopefully she is telling the truth!

Okay, that is most of my past now and I can start writing about current things. Hopefully I won't sound so boring now that I am not writing a recount of the last few years. I must admit, I feel better for getting it out there!

I will be back soon! Thanks for reading!

And the story continues (Post # 3)

I will try and make the next 2.5 years of my baby making story shorter than the last posts. I will give dates. So after the huge ordeal with my first miscarriage (as I tried to explain in my 1st and 2nd post) my husband and I started trying for babies again.

July 2008 - Not pregnant.
August 2008 - Not pregnant
September 2008 - Not pregnant
October 2008 - Not pregnant
November 2008 - Not pregnant
December 2008 - Not pregnant

January 2009 - Pregnant!!! You take it for granted getting pregnant easily. My first pregnancy (that ended in the horrific miscarriage) seemed so easy. Getting pregnant on the 7th month is still quick and within the normal range, but I was anxious after the miscarriage and just wanted the feeling of a baby back in my tummy (okay, uterus, but tummy sounds nicer and less clinical). I decided not to worry as I had read that having a miscarriage is common and not likely to happen again.

Well, around close to 6 weeks pregnant, I got the phone call about my hcg levels. Hcg is a pregnancy hormone. When the embryo (baby) implants in the uterus wall, it starts to give your body this hormone. The hcg hormone is meant to double roughly every 48 hours. Once you get to 7 or 8 weeks, the doubling time can slow down as the placenta is taking over. Anyway, my hcg level came back exactly the same as the level it was 48 hours earlier. I was still calm as I thought the doctors were mixing my results up with old ones. I had another blood test and it was confirmed that I was losing another baby. I went into complete shock. I made suicide threats against myself. My poor mother worried her socks off and jumped in the car and drove 1.5 hours to come and be with me. How could I be so stupid? I should have protected myself and not have got attached to the pregnancy. What was wrong with me, I kept questioning myself. Failure is one word that comes to mind. That is one word that I associate with myself way too often.

I got the stupid comments that are supposed to make me feel better but don't. "Never mind, it was just cells anyway", "It wasn't meant to be", "It will happen, hang in there", "I know what you are going through, my friend had 2 miscarriages", etc. Is it really that hard just to say "I am so sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through, this is so unfair and I am here anytime you need to talk about it."

I lost this pregnancy naturally. It hurt (physically and mentally) but I was happy I did not need a D&C (or 4).

My husband and I started again immediately. I fell pregnant in March 2009, and yep. Had another miscarriage.

I booked into a fertility specialist as I thought something was not right. He sent me for a few blood tests but thought I was being over the top. I did not 'click' with the specialist and thought he was a bit dismissive. My husband and I had the blood tests and everything came back normal.

We tried for a few more cycles and nothing was happening. After doing a bit of research, I thought my luteal phase may be on the short side. Luteal phase is the part of your cycle after ovulation. After you ovulate, the follicle that released an egg turns into what is called a corpus luteam. It produces progesterone. Progesterone keeps your lining in your uterus and maintains a nice environment so if an embryo was to implant, it could do so easily. The corpus luteam will stop functioning if you are not pregnant and you will get your period. If you are pregnant, it functions until you are around 8-9 weeks pregnant. That is when the placenta takes over and produces the hormone instead. Some people confuse progesterone symptoms with pregnancy ones because they are the same. Anyway, so an average luteal phase is about 14 days. Mine was only about 11. So I was getting my period about 11 days after I ovulated. I would spot a day or two beforehand. So basically, an embryo implants in the uterus around 6-10 days after ovulation/fertilization. I started worrying that if an embryo was implanting around day 8, 9 or 10 after ovulation, it would not have a chance to properly 'hang on' as my body is already telling my uterus that I am going to have a period, my progesterone is dropping and I am shedding my lining. I thought this could relate to my miscarriages. Especially my last two.

So I went to see another fertility specialist. He put me on a drug called Clomid. He believed Clomid would help lengthen my luteal phase. He also gave me progesterone pessaries (to be inserted in the vagina daily). Obviously you can not take progesterone until after you ovulate or find out you are pregnant. Before ovulation, you do not really produce much progesterone at all, mostly estrogen, FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) and LH (Lutenizing Hormone which your produce not long before you ovulate). So if you took progesterone at the wrong time, it could really mess up your cycles.

So I took the clomid (I took it from day 3-7 at the start of my cycle). I then used OPKs to predict when ovulation would be. OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kit) is a pee on the stick. You do it around 10am-8pm. It is good to make sure you have not had much to drink for a few hours. When the two lines on the stick are the same colour, it means you will most likely ovulate within 12-48 hours. An OPK measures LH (lutenizing hormone). Because LH peaks 12-48 hours before ovulation, this is a good indicator of when we will release an egg. My husband and I followed this. I also got a blood test about 8 days after ovulation to confirm ovulation. The blood test will check for progesterone. If progesterone is around 20 or more they are happy and think you ovulated as the progesterone is an indicator that your body is in the luteal phase. Getting this test done too close to ovulation could leave you without answers as your body needs at least 5 days for the progesterone to climb. My level came back at 48 so I was happy.

October 2009 - 4 days later I did a pregnancy test. It was a digital one and it said 'pregnant'. Oh those gorgeous words. Oh how I love thee. I was so excited to see those words! I was already on the progesterone pessaries so I felt at ease. I went and got a blood test to measure my hcg levels. Yep, definitely knocked up! I had another blood test 1 week later. I did the calculations. Yep, the levels were doubling every 32 hours! I had another blood test another week later. They were still continuing to double every 32-38 hours! I was thrilled! I had another blood test 1 week later. I was 7 weeks pregnant. I rang up for the results at work. The nurse told me the numbers. I was losing the baby. I lost it. Completely. My boss had to calm me down and let me have the rest of the week off. I had to go and have an ultrasound the next day. As if finding out that losing your baby again wasn't hard enough. Seeing that I was supposed to have twins shattered me. I went home and sobbed. Then I turned numb. Completely numb. I lost the babies naturally. It was horrific to say the least. I can barely type the words without crying.

To jump a few months ahead. I saw a new fertility specialist. He came to my town every few months but works in Sydney. I liked him immediately. He did lots of tests on me and my husband. My husband has enough sperm to repopulate the world and had no DNA breakage issues. Check! They did a HSG on me, where they put a catheter inside my uterus, while I am awake, and put dye in there. They check my tubes to make sure they are not blocked. They check for any fibroids, abnormal shaped uterus, scarring of any kind, polyps, you name it. I get told I have a gorgeous uterus. Check! You know you want a baby desperately when being told you have a gorgeous uterus means more to you than being told you are beautiful!

Then the fertility specialist wanted to know what my uterus lining was doing after ovulation (before my period) and to see how thick it was. Around ovulation, they like to see a lining thickness of about 8mm or more. 8-12mm is considered good. So my lining was checked. Uh oh. My lining was only 4mm thick. I knew this couldn't be good. I go back and have an appointment in March 2010 with the fertility specialist. He seems to think this is why I am continuing to lose the pregnancies. In a way I am happy to find this news out. Let's fix it and move on and have a baby! Nope. More bad news. Fixing endometrium lining can be very difficult, he tells me. There is little information out there about this condition and it doesn't really have a name. It looks as though the 4 D&C's from my first miscarriage have done this to me. My lining was thick with my first pregnancy. I. Am. Not. Happy.

So my fertility specialist basically says that IVF is my best chance as the drugs may improve my lining. I can't just take the drugs and have sex as the chance of multiples is way too high and dangerous. So, as soon as I get my period, I'll be starting my first IVF cycle. Scared? Hell yes! It doesn't help that I'll have to drive 5.5 hours each way just to get the IVF procedure done. I am told that there is a good chance that IVF will still not help me and that surrogacy may be my only option. Breathe in. Breathe out.

I started my IVF journey in April 2010. I'll be back later to fill you in on the lovely experiences of needles, more dildo cams, speculums, needles in my va-jayjay, hormone swings and many more wonderful things you deal with when doing IVF.

So, as I was saying... Post # 2

So, as I was saying from my last entry, I thought that my husband and I could pick up and we started trying for a baby again.

A few weeks later after being told I lost the baby, something felt wrong. Very wrong. I rang the doctor and booked in. He scheduled an ultrasound for me later that week. I went in to the ultrasound and I was told that I had not passed the baby and to contact my doctor. I was so scared. I had read that if you retain the baby (or 'product' as they call it) then it can lead to serious infection and hemorrhaging. I just didn't want to deal with it. I was trying to move forward and instead I was a sobbing mess.

I booked in for my D&C as my doctor had told me to do. I still remember it clearly. It was Easter and the doctors were so nice. They don't usually open the theatres during Easter but did. They let my husband come in to the recovery once I woke up.

10 days had passed and I still felt something was wrong. I felt sick and horrible. I had another scan to find out that they didn't get any of the 'retained product'. I couldn't believe it. I remember just breaking down and crying. Why couldn't this be over? Hadn't I dealt with enough? I booked in to see a private ob, who was at the end of his career, but in my home town there was really no one else to choose from. He said he would perform another D&C and that I would be fine by the weekend, as I was bridesmaid for one of my best friends.

I was out of hospital Thursday and travelled to my friend's town on the Friday. I was so tired and my breasts were still massive and sore. My breasts barely fitted into the bridesmaid dress! On the Saturday, while the girls and I were getting ready for the wedding, I went to the toilet and noticed I was losing a lot of blood. Heaps. I had to call my husband and get him to bring me some extra pads. I tried to ignore it as I wanted to be a good bridesmaid and focus on my friend getting married that day. No one suspected anything.

That night, I remember feeling so unwell and my husband and I went back to our hotel room and I was extremely hot and bothered. I felt so sick and was still losing blood.

The next morning, we quickly had breakfast, then left. As we arrived back in my home town, I didn't even get to go home (I wanted to see my 10 week old puppy). My husband had to take me straight to emergency at the hospital. He left me there so he could take home my luggage and feed our puppy and then he was coming back. The nurse got me straight in as they could tell something was wrong. They brought the on call ob down to check on me. I remember her doing an internal then afterwards she had this blank look on her face. I looked down and the entire sheet and floor was covered in my blood. She tried to keep me calm. I was hooked up to an IV bag straight away to increase my fluids as I was dehydrated. I was wheeled up to the surgical ward and the private ob who did my 2nd D&C was called. They thought it was possible that I had a molar pregnancy as they checked my hcg hormone level (which should have been 0 as I had 2 D&C's and the baby was not alive). My hcg hormone levels a few weeks earlier were 44,000. That day they were about 200,000. Obviously I was scared and didn't understand why my hormones were continuing to rise if the baby was not alive.

The private ob did a 3rd D&C with an ultrasound (which to me, is so outdated, he could have used a hysteroscopy). He could not get to the product and was not sure why. He had never dealt with a case like mine before. My lining was very thick and my hormones were continuing to rise.

The next day I woke up and was told I was being flown by air ambulance to a bigger hospital in Newcastle (about 4 hours from my home town). I was frightened to say the least. I arrived that afternoon and somehow felt relieved when I got there. The hospital was amazing and after meeting the nurses and doctors (I was in the oncology/gynecology unit) I felt safe. They were incredible. The nurses gave me my own room with my own bathroom and came in to have chats with me. Their nickname for me was 'worms' because I wouldn't stop eating Cheezels and chocolate.

The next morning I woke up and met my doctor. I won't say his name on here, just his initials. Dr K.J. He was so lovely and seemed very determined to get to the bottom of it. Rather than going straight back for a 4th D&C, he did x-rays to make sure that if it was a molar pregnancy (pre-cancerous) that there were no spots on my lungs. It was all clear. Next, I had an MRI. All clear (the mass was inside my uterus and not anywhere else). I had blood tests about everyday. They checked my poo, my wee, my blood clots, you name it. There was a chance I was going to have to go on Methotrexate (a form of chemo) to kill of the particles in hope I would expell the 'retained product'. One night, I still remember clearly. I went into what felt like labour. I was screaming and in so much pain. I had to keep going to the toilet, even though nothing happened when I went to the toilet. I couldn't bare it, especially knowing that I was not getting a baby after all this pain. I can't even describe it. After 5 hours, I was given morphine which helped quite a bit.

The next morning, the doctor had me in for a 4th D&C and he was using a hysteroscopy so he could see where he was going. He got it all! I think the labour helped loosen the product. He said he checked for scarring of my endometrium lining with the hysteroscopy camera but could not see any.

To cut a long story short, I was sent home and had to have some blood tests to make sure my hormones were going down and were staying down. I was checked on for the next few months. All up, I bled for 50 days so it was a delight when I got to stop wearing pads. This all happened in March/April 2008.

After a very long time, I eventually got my period back. I think it took 3 months. So then, our baby making journey began (again).

Until next time...

My history of trying to make a baby... (Post # 1)

Hi all! This is my first blog EVER! Excuse parts that are disjointed or a little boring. I will try my best. I really felt it was time to blog my journey with infertility and miscarriage. Just so you know a little about me, I will give you a history and some dates (I am very good with dates which annoys my husband!).

I am 27 years old and my husband and I got married a bit over 3 years ago (Sept 2007). We started trying for a baby immediately. It was when we babysat my sister in law's 18 month old that I realised I wanted to be a mother. I always knew I wanted a baby, but something really clicked that night. I felt like a mum and not just a babysitter. My nephew was upset, crying and thirsty. I still remember bringing him into our bed with a bottle of water and hearing him slurp away at it, breathing loudly. He then cuddled up to me, his hand over my eyes, and went to sleep. Although I was uncomfortable, I was in love!

In early February 2008, I found out I was pregnant. I was so excited to say the least. I walked around touching my belly (even at just 5 weeks), I ate all the right foods and avoided all the wrong ones. I pee'ed on 143 million Home Pregnancy Tests (oh how I wish I had shares in HPT companies!) and I just felt extremely content all round. When I was 5 weeks and 4 days along I felt some major discomfort for an hour or so, so I booked in for an ultrasound. It was early, but everything looked 'fine' and they could see a sac so I went home happy. My pregnancy symptoms continued and I was as happy as ice magic on ice cream, even if I was enduring morning sickness and very sore breasts.

When I was around 9 weeks pregnant, I started spotting. When I first saw the blood, I was very upset, but, after reading on Dr Google that it can be normal due to the placenta taking over and the cervix being sensitive, I felt relieved. After 5 days of spotting I decided to have another ultrasound. I was panicked but kept trying to tell myself it was okay. My husband was at work so my mum decided to come with me (bless her). I will never forget the look on the technician's face. Never. First she tried to reassure me, saying that I was probably not as far along as I thought, which I knew was not right. Then, I froze. It didn't sink in until I left the room and had to pay for the ultrasound. That is when I started crying. I didn't care what anyone else thought, I had just lost my baby. My little baby who I had loved and treasured from the moment I knew I was pregnant. We had just bought a puppy and so when I got home, my puppy slept on my lap while I sobbed. She was usually an excited and naughty puppy, but she knew something was wrong and she really looked after me that day.

I was left numb. But after a week or so I felt a little better and concentrated on the fact that we would try again. Well... so I thought...

I still have so much to share and don't want to let it all out in one stint, so I think I will do another entry in a few days. After several entries, I plan on sharing my blog with my family and close friends so they can understand what I have to endure daily. The emotions, fears, self-hate and the list goes on. Dealing with miscarriage and infertility is not as easy to deal with as some people continue to think. It can rule your whole life. It can change the way you act, think, your relationships and many other aspects of your life. I have had comments made to me like "maybe when you are more maternal you will carry a baby to full term". I don't care if you have never experienced infertility, who says such a comment?! The list goes on. I know most the time people are trying to say the 'right' thing, but often all we want to hear is "Your situation sucks. I hate that this is happening to you. Please let me know if there is anything I can do, even if it is just talking". (Maybe with a "I can grow a baby for you" thrown in the mix!).

Thanks for reading my first entry if you got this far. :-D

Manda x